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The Dartmouth
May 20, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

SAFETY AND SECURITY

The walkie-talkie crackled at the officer's waist, alerting him of an unregistered party and intoxicated undergrads. It was time to get to business. Although Dartmouth students may cast away work's ball and chain on so-called "party nights," Safety and Security doesn't take Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays or about half of their Thursdays off.

So it's about time we sat down and learned a few things about our friends in brown and hunter green. However, writing a feature story about Safety and Security is no easy feat. Initially, we were scheduled to ride-along with an officer this past weekend, rocking out, dissolving room parties, and picking up drunk freshmen (pretty much what Haley would be doing anyway). However, because of privacy issues, Proctor Harry Kinne (henceforth known as the Prox) declined our request.

Our next idea was to get a copy of all of the Safety and Security officers' logs and do a sort of "Best Of" police-blotter style telling of an average Dartmouth weekend. The Prox denied us this as well. Fair enough.

What we finally settled on was a one-on-two interview between the Prox and ourselves. However, the result of this journalistic Eiffel Tower was essentially our listening to the Prox tell us all about Safety and Security's role on campus and allowing him to generously give us a full tour of Safety and Security's facilities, located on the second floor of Dick's House.

It was, at the very least, entertaining.

The Prox, it turns out, is a rather loquacious gentleman -- a generally handy trait for any interviewee to have. Most of what he said was relevant, all of it interesting, and it was apparent that he really loves his job as well as you, the student body.

Our first stop on our tour was the Prox's office where two things were readily apparent. First of all, his desk was facing the window, back to the door -- not totally Feng Shui, but oh well. The second thing we noticed was a huge pair of moose antlers hanging from the wall, over his desk. It really set the room off. Superb conversation piece, though. Anyway, the antlers weren't his own trophy, but instead, the College is currently storing them in his office. The Prox, however, is a huge fan of moose so it really just all works out great. Superb even.

The coolest part of the tour was getting to go back into the "Authorized Personnel Only" room. This included the dispatch center, all of the security videos on campus (there aren't many, but next time you consider stealing from the library, it would be in your best interest to avoid Novack and the bathrooms), and a closet in which they store every single registered weapon on campus, including the ROTC machine guns and one pair of skis. Awesome.

Unfortunately, the problem with what we got from the Prox, as sweet as it was and he is, was that we couldn't really put together our goal of a sick-nasty weekend summary. So instead, we're going to fall back on the oldest half-assed-journalism trick in the book, and give you a top eight list. Yes, eight. We are shaking things up around here.

The Top 8 Things You Should Know About Saftey and Security

  1. Officer Willey saw the last episode of "MAS*H," but had mixed feelings. After our interview with Proctor Kinne, we decided to go even more in depth and send a survey out to all of the Saftey and Security patrol officers. We asked a wide array of questions, including everything from their favorite snack on the job to the event they have the best time covering. More results to come.

  2. Did you know that Saftey and Security employs two full time investigators? It's like Hanover's own "Law And Order DCSVU." We met them on our tour; two really great guys. They investigate certain cases alongside H-po, except from a civil rather than criminal perspective. They also tackle other cases that aren't even on H-po's radar. Curious.

  3. Register your bikes. Seriously. Safety and Security seems pretty adamant about this one. Caleb needs to register his today or it's going to be confiscated. Good times.

  4. The current Saftey and Security uniform is only two years old. It was designed by a committee formed by Proctor Kinne. They selected everything from hip summerwear to winter parkas. The Prox told us he was disappointed when nobody else would "get on board" with his idea to buy "huge Russian fur hats" for all of the officers. We sympathized. Honestly, the only thing more difficult than getting hold of a great hat is finding the perfect shade of hunter green -- just ask the Prox.

  5. Last weekend, Safety and Security received 1,416 calls to their dispatch center. They performed 92 assists, 185 transports and unlocked 39 doors for students. The assists included two different hit-by-hockey-puck injuries and a (resolved) search for a missing person.

  6. Safety and Security officers like you. In every single survey that we had returned to us, every officer used the word "students" in their quick descriptions of the favorite part of their jobs. Stop them for a chat sometime. Don't throw beers at them; throw them at freshmen.

  7. The department offers self defense classes (RAD) every term. Not only do they count for PE credit, but the Safety and Security team even does special group sessions. So, before you venture out of our beloved bubble, hit them up. Literally.

  8. Lastly we just want to thank everybody at Safety and Security for being so much cooler than the Hanover Police Department in every way except for the lack of flashing lights and sirens. Although that gets old anyway and epilepsy is never good for anyone. In conclusion: you guys rock. Thanks!!