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The Dartmouth
May 26, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Dealing with Danger

To the Editor:

Upon reading yesterday's police blotter, I was relieved to find that Safety and Security seems to have adopted a new "preemptive strike" protocol to locate, isolate and neutralize potential threats to the College before they have a chance to metastasize into a clear and present danger.

Philip Salinger '08 relates to our humble reader a harrowing narrative of a "man who looked like a transient" getting off a bus and strolling the tranquil streets of our fair Hanover. The "white-bearded man" was apparently wearing "dirty blue jeans, a white button-down shirt and glasses with one ear piece missing" -- obvious cause for alarm if I know anything about School-Land Security. "After talking with and getting his name," our brave and righteous S&S protectors called in the big guns -- Hanover Police -- and "asked them to check if the 62 year old was wanted for any crimes."

At the very height of drama, just as we expect this dangerous and volatile criminal to pull out a gun and spray the windows of the Hop with streams of bullets, taking down several students, a community director and a hapless dean, we are presented with the disappointing conclusion that, in fact, "He was not [wanted for any crimes]." While this may have seemed a crushing blow to the S&S and police officers on site, I want to extend my humble thanks for once again putting their very lives on the line in order to perpetuate my own, fairly worthless existence. I would also like to submit a list of other unsavory characters I have recently seen roaming the streets of Hanover to our law enforcement agents, in order for them to be thoroughly background-checked for any past history of misconduct.

The list is as follows: Ilya Feoktistov, Bryan Davis, Daniel Kovler, Jon Hancock, Pat Jones, Jason Hartwig, and, most heinous of them all, Kaelin Goulet. These sketchball characters must be stopped at all costs. Thank you once again for all that you do, S&S and HPo.