You know who I haven't seen walking around campus for a long time? President James Wright. This surprises me because, quite honestly, he is a large human being. I doubt he's just blending into the crowd.
I realize that he's probably very busy making Dartmouth an even better place, but you'd think that you would cross paths with him every once in a while. Simply by the laws of probability you end up seeing most everyone else, just by heading to class or over to the Hop for a "Billy Bob" -- even more so during sophomore summer. It's not just your close buddies that you run into either. You see your freshman trippees, those kids you hung out with during orientation and haven't spoken to since, that really hot girl or guy who you exchange half-smiles with but have never met, the precocious kid who always asks stupid questions in class and Graham Sheasby.
You even run into your professors with surprising regularity. You find some of them out walking their dogs. Others you come across working out at the gym. A few manage to pull up to the urinal next to you in the library for a rather awkward 17 seconds of silence.
But for some reason you never see James Wright or any of the big named administrators like Karl Furstenberg or James Larimore. Where are they? I know they attend many important functions that help attract new students and raise money for the College, but considering they are just as much a part of the Dartmouth campus as anyone else, you'd think you'd bump into them every once in a while.
It could be they just run on different schedules than me. Or, it could be that the myth about the secret tunnel system connecting all the buildings is actually true and Wright and Furstenberg skateboard back and forth to Parkhurst, Ninja Turtle-style. Wright does sort of have a turtle-sized head.
I've never seen them at any of the dining halls. Where do they eat? Is there a secret cafeteria located in the upper reaches of the administration building? Maybe a Boston Market? Or, do they order their secretaries to run over to Food Court and pick up a couple of Philly cheese steaks with the works and provolone. Could it really be that they just bring bag lunches? ("Hey Stuart, I'll trade you my carrot sticks, my egg salad sandwich and three year's funding for the Tucker Foundation for your pudding snack.")
I don't think I've ever seen movement inside the President's mansion. As far as I know, Wright and the upper administration could all be living in seaside bungalows in the Bahamas, managing the school via WebBlitz. This might explain some of the red tape at Parkhurst and Wright's rumored man-thong tan lines.
In general, I applaud the way the administration runs the College while on the job, but it would be nice to see them out and about once the clock stops. I think it would make the Dartmouth community that much stronger to see these faces out with students after classes. Think of how great it would make your day to see Dean Larimore out sunbathing on the Green, Dean Folt in front of you in the smoothie line or Dean Furstenberg at a football game.
Now, to be fair, they could be doing all these things and have just blended in very well. If this is the case, I ask that they simply wear a little bell around their necks so students can hear them and pick them out. Musical neckties would be acceptable as well.
Well, now that I think about it, I should clarify what I mean by "after classes." While it would be nice to happen upon these Dartmouth leaders during the days, or even early evenings, I can imagine some pretty awkward situations if the deans started going out on Saturday nights:
Dean Larimore: How deep is the line on this table?
Me: Ahh, I think those two have next... After that I don't know.
Dean Larimore: Snap, I got after them... Oh, and you're violating Section IV of the Dartmouth Code of Conduct.
Or probably more likely...
Dean Thum: S&S is here! Put down your beers!
Dean of Residential Life Martin Redman: F-ing Student Life Initiative!
Or probably even more likely...
Chi Gam: Boom, Boom, Boom, When I move you move, Jus' like that...
Me: You wanna go somewhere else, baby? We can stop in my room to check blitz on the way.
Dean Gail Zimmerman: I'm yours, hot stuff.
I don't think any of us would want that to happen. However, seeing their face in a setting that isn't printed on the front page of The Dartmouth would be nice.
I was probably lucky to meet and shake the President's hand during matriculation. Many students were too busy matriculating by themselves in their bathrooms. I've come to wonder if it's possible that I may never come across Wright or the other deans again until graduation. However, if they read this column, I feel that I may see them much sooner after all.
