Ah, Green Key weekend. A time for the College's past and present student to come to together well, it's more like a time to celebrate Hanover's unique outdoorsy appeal okay I'll be honest, I don't know what the hell Green Key is all about despite several years of experiencing and almost remembering it. But I have picked up a few tips on not only how to survive this crazy weekend, but also how to make the most of it.
First, let's dissect the name of the weekend. Green. The color of our school, and barring a Green Key snowstorm, the color of the grass in Hanover. But more importantly, green is the color of money, and money buys happiness. I'm just kidding, money doesn't buy happiness, but it buys parties, and parties buy happiness, and there will surely be enough parties to keep you smiling this weekend, so long as you plan accordingly.
Key. What's so key about this weekend? Hooking up a lot with your friend (I mean it the way your parents say it when they just mean "meeting up" but also then getting some). And even more key is making the final sprint toward June without having to deal with the post-hook-up awkwardness. So there you have it, parties and hooking up. My analysis of Green Key, which in the past for me has been a little too green and definitely not key enough, assumes that you're in the same mindset as me, since really, what else could you be celebrating this weekend?
I've heard that some of these parties may be serving alcoholic beverages to attendees over the age of 21. This both pleases and saddens me. Age discrimination aside, the worst part about this policy is that it just means more for me and less for the freshmen, and history has taught us that the Laffer curve of my Green Key entertainment peaks at about seven drinks. Assuming you're the same way, let's huddle up and go through this one step by step, day by day, a fresh start over, a different hand to play.
If you're in the know, Green Key is probably in full swing by the time you even read this article. So I'll cut to the chase: send your apology blitzes and gear up for the real weekend. Not going to classes on Friday? Now we're talking! Hell, I took the whole term off just to get ready for this weekend (and to get a job and help the community, obviously!). Thinking of using your newfound free time to sleep in and rest up? I'm going to go with Balki Bartokomous on this one and say, "Don't be ridiculous!"
Friday morning is the perfect time to get at it! Everybody who's anybody knows that Friday is the big day of this weekend. Don't save any gas for a huge Saturday blowout, because chances are, it'll either snow or you'll be heaving up breakfast tequila shots in a Mid-Fayer trashcan or both, as was the case for one nameless but pretty hot yet untapped freshman dude three years ago.
So don't be shy on Friday -- hit up the bands, barbeques and bevies. Word to the wise though: if you feel like being a BMOC and you happen to black out, your only chance of redemption is to recover by 8 p.m. Otherwise, you could end up with a permanent mark on your face telling everyone which part of the male body you are (with visuals).
Stay away from that sweet new mixed drink you and your friends made up and think is the coolest. (A) It's not as good as the fraternity's original version, (B) it'll end you and (C) don't tell me what to do. Go at a steady pace. Sit back, relax and let the good times roll.
Then, you've got to kick it into night-mode. Grab your hottest button-down striped shirt and get freaking pumped! That's right! It's been a long week of school and it's time to blow off a little steam! You're a freaking Ivy League student! Crush a Red Bull because you love it!
Recover Saturday at the lawn party or at my house, wherever you happen to wander and start the whole thing over again if you have the energy. This is the last time you're going to have the entire campus partying with you until the fall. Embarrass yourself enough for it to last.
