As your Tubestock sunburn begins to peel, take a moment to remember all those friends who laughed when you told them you'd be spending your summer in school. "School is for the winter," they'd say. Those kids were stupid. They don't understand how much you really like school and homework and tests and papers. They aren't your real friends. I'm your real friend.
Being in school in the summer is much better than being in school in the winter. I researched it, and there are only a few people in the world who, like us, are lucky enough to be able to take summer classes instead of winter classes. Twenty reasons why we chose this wise path:
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Strip pong. Like strip poker, but since I am bad at poker, we are going to play pong. And I am only moderately bad at pong.
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If I "fall asleep" in a public space and am missing my shoes or shirt, I can just tell people I am tanning. And then roll over on the Collis porch and go back to sleep.
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No one is having a dry season. It's awesome. Dry seasons suck. It's why I quit figure skating.
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We all are having a last hurrah before the '08s arrive -- the most studious, academic and prepared class in Dartmouth's history. And they will stay that way until their first Chi Gam dance party.
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It is a lot easier to convince people to play strip pong when it's not -- 28 degrees.
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The Ledyard Challenge now seems like a reasonable, well thought-out idea.
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All the high school campers hanging around. It is awesome. It's kinda a Lindsey Lohan-thing, but still it's awesome.
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Tubestock = Green Key, Homecoming and Winter Carnival combined into one unholy rage. I saw Kirk Cameron.
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When all those damn Harvard kids are working for us, we'll know it's because we spent a summer in school.
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I think the terror alerts have stopped. I haven't heard anything about them. I spent my winter living in a bunker at Psi U and hoped that it would be all clear when I came out. So far, so good.
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Convertibles. I don't have a convertible. But I like to tell people I do in order to impress them (telling people stories in order to impress is not "lying" if these stories are told in July). It usually works, and that's how I convince girls to play strip pong.
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The '05s are gone. They were always getting the '06s in trouble, setting us up. Damn them.
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During the winter, registered parties sucked. Parties are really sweet when they are registered and non-alcoholic. I like them a lot now that there are a bunch of sober people hanging out.
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Grilling outdoors becomes a pseudo-block party. Every third person wants to stop by and see what you are doing. It's swell!
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IM sports outdoors. Sports are intended to be played outdoors by overweight frat guys who angrily miss the glory days of high school baseball and bring sunflower seeds and eye-black to their afternoon softball games.
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Seriously, strip pong. I mean, I've never done it. But I'd like to. Blitz me.
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All your professors are giving you a B if you show up for "most" of the classes. Swear to God. The professors want to go to the beach, too, and they know that an education is impossible to receive during the summer. Why should they have to read papers? Right?
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Dartmouth girls look really good during the summer. Thanks, Dartmouth Admissions!
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Hanover police are taking it easy this summer after having been hard-asses all winter. I was walking around the Green two days ago, handing out beers like sno-cones and a cop just winked at me and gave me the "A-OK" sign. See, the local cops aren't really interested in busting as many 20-year-old students for internal possession as possible. They want us to have fun this summer! Thanks, H-Po!
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I like to crash tour groups and to ask the tour guides questions like, "Harvard has a much bigger and more high-tech library. Why is Dartmouth's so antiquated?" or "Why are the local police allowing people to hand out alcoholic beverages on the Green? Isn't that strange? And can you confirm or deny this?" I made a tour guide cry last week and it made me feel big and strong. Weakling tour guides
So, yeah, this is the best summer of our lives. Just think about that during your Tuesday morning 10A. I plan to miss that class and play strip pong. So I'll borrow your notes later?
