Apparently 93 percent of Dartmouth students have not missed an academic deadline for alcohol-related reasons, and the typical Dartmouth student on a Friday night is reminiscent of a 12-year-old looking through a microscope. I can't imagine you missed the sign I'm talking about. This statistic is troubling because it seems to be a gigantic lie or a very twisted perception of the truth. It also employs a tactic of reverse peer pressure, which seems to imply that you should do as everyone else in this case, but not others. Frankly, I'm tired of seeing my tuition dollars wasted. Why do we employ people whose purpose is to produce this miserable, asinine propaganda?
I'm ready to propose three solutions to the problem. The first is to fire everyone associated with this campaign. Lay them off immediately. Their jobs are a cancer to my wallet and they have provided me with nothing but a giant headache -- worse than is normally achieved by alcohol consumption. Why not reallocate their salaries and buildings towards something productive?
Simply, I'm asking that we take the money saved on this, and give it to something in need. I personally vote to give it to our under-funded athletic teams -- the ones that make headlines -- in hopes of winning more championships and being sweet. Or maybe we could give funds toward updating our piss-poor athletic facilities, though I recognize that many would be upset by these views. I'm not closed-minded. I'm open to other alternative ideas of important organizations in need of money. I'm also not saying that all administrators are terrible. In fact, there are many whom I respect greatly and feel their role is invaluable to the campus. I just think we need to evaluate closer every Tom, Dick and Harry to whom we give elaborate titled jobs to in the administration where no one knows what they really do.
Failing this, another cause that could use money is the "Alex Tonelli is really really ridiculously poor fund." Yes, lowering costs of the already ridiculous and ballooning tuition might be a good idea. School is expensive; stop making it more expensive by wasting money.
The second proposal I'd like to put forth is in the spirit of Title IX ruining wrestling teams across the country, Michigan's affirmative action program that placed more value on race than a perfect SAT and all things relating to equality no matter what the context or cost. I propose we create a ministry of pro-alcohol propaganda to represent the views of the apparent minority of students who like alcohol.
Their views need to be represented, and it is a gross persecution that funds are directed in such a campaign against them while there is no organization that champions their rights. There is some sort of non-functional house on campus that no one's ever heard of for about every type of small interest you can imagine, so why not have a building to set up our ministry of pro-alcohol administrators. We could go recruit them from the Keystone headquarters or maybe from Coors Light commercials. I've been told that there are twins that will work two for the price of one. What a deal! I'm sure they'd be very qualified to do the opposite job of administrator Q who made the call on these posters. It's only fair in the spirit of equality.
Third, a friendly wager could solve this problem. If the administration claims that this statistic was found through objective means, then they should be willing to bet on it. I would be willing to stake a year of tuition that I could find more than 7 percent of the total Dartmouth community this summer alone who would say that drinking has influenced their study habits, class attendance AND the quality of their work. I have a hunch that "academic deadline" is defined rather narrowly in their statistical study.
So for what it's worth, one man feels that this is ludicrous. My one vote in an undergraduate community of 4,500 supports all three of these plans to the fullest. I lastly ask that if you're planning on e-mailing me hate mail about how alcohol is the devil, or how you are in Mothers Against Drunk Driving -- who is responsible, along with the real evil empire, the Reagan administration, for the 21-year-old drinking age -- or that you saw a girl walk out of a party with a boy after two beers and you were appalled, please save it. I don't care what you think, and you have the right to not care what I think. So just ignore it in the way I've needed to ignore your silly signs every day until now.
