At the north end of campus
Where the Keystone Light flows
And the wind smells stale and sour when it blows
Where drunk pledges sing, and pass out in the snow
Is the street of the lifted Lorax
And deep in the snow, some people say
If you look deep enough you can still see today
Where the Lorax once stood
Just as long as it could
Before somebody lifted the Lorax away
You won't see the administrator
Don't knock at his door
He stays in his office up on the top floor
He stays in his office out in Parkhurst Hall
Where he fills out forms
Making choices for us all
And on special cold midnights in February
He peeks
Out of the shutters
And sometimes he speaks
He'll tell you perhaps....
It all started way back
A couple years back in fact
When the green was still green
And the pond was still wet
And the frats were still clean (sort of)
And songs of the 'shmen rang out in space
One evening I came to this glorious place
And I first saw the Kegs!
The Keystone Light Kegs!
Black colored taps of the Keystone Light Kegs
Basement after basement in the late evening dregs
And around those kegs I saw lots of first-years
Frisking about in their orientation jeers
As they drank in the basement from the Keg Tears
But those Kegs! Those Kegs!
Those beer dispensing sinks!
They must be the cause of the underage drinks
The liquid from their taps was far harsher than milk
It caused the drunkenness
Of the whole freshmen ilk
I felt a great leaping
From my head to my legs
I knew just what to do!
I'd get rid of the Kegs
And in no time at all, I wrote a new rule
That Kegs would be registered
and controlled by the school
And with great skillful skill and with great tactful tact
I took all the Kegs away from a frat
Back in my office, I heard a ga-veg!
I looked
I saw something pop out of a Keg
Of the keg I had taken. It was sort of a man
Describe him? ... That's hard. I don't know if I can
He was shortish. And oldish.
And brownish. And mossy.
And he spoke with a voice
that was sharpish and bossy.
Mister! He said in a voice without beg
I am the Lorax. I speak for the kegs
I speak for the Kegs, for the kegs have no tongues
And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs
He was very upset, that short little brat
Why have you taken the Kegs from the frat?
Look, Lorax, I said. Theres no cause for alarm.
I took away Kegs, I'm doing no harm
I'm being quite useful, by stopping the flow
From the kegs to the mouths of those too young to know
That drinking beer is bad, underage drinking is tragic
Till you turn 21 and then by some magic
You become responsible enough, yes responsible more
Yes far more ready than you were a year before
The Lorax said sir, you need a shrink
There's no way on earth
this will stop underage drink
And in the very next minute he proved I was wrong
For just at that minute a car came along
And I saw the trunk open
And a line start to form
As they unloaded cases
Of the new social norm
And in no time at all they'd unloaded the cans
And down to the basement
Those frat boys, they ran
To supply the pong tables of what drink the need
They may have won this round but I'll soon take the lead
At that very night
With my secretary inquisitive
I sat down and drafted
The student life initiative
I'll teach those boys to spread beer around
To turn the good name
Of this College upside down
Then...
Oh! Baby! Oh!
How my plans did grow
Now taking down one frat at a time was too slow
So I quickly secured the S&S force
To check all the frats
And there drinking cohorts
I was handing out probation
Ten times as fast as before
And the Lorax? ... He didn't show up anymore
But the next week
He knocked
On my new office door
And He said to me
In his witty retort
I am the Lorax
I speak for the Kegs
I speak for the Kegs cause the Kegs have no tongues
And I'm telling you, sir, at the top of my lungs
These cans!
These horrible cans that I see!
Why drink from them when you can just drink from me?
They clutter the grounds
And the lawns
And the street
They're not cost effective
You bureaucratic freak
Not to mention the problems
With the environmental waste
Look at all the trash
You've helped to create
But I laughed at the Lorax
As he tried to stand tall
Just wait till you see what I have planned for next fall
The house you see
Out on the frat row
Pretty soon they'll be converted
Before the first snow
We need more affinities
Not houses of Greek
And they'll all be co-ed
The include all who seek
Some new special interest
As long as they can
Not give in to alcohol
That now stalks the land
We need a house not just for a language
But for hippies, and yuppies and piata danglage
And more houses you see
In an unexclusive way
Will exclude all the people
Who don't think in one way!
And the Lorax just shuddered
And he said in our chat
Affinity houses are great
As are co-ed frats
They are good things to have
On a campus diverse
But when there's no other options
It's almost always worse
As he saw what I meant
And from the office next door
I heard a loud crash
That's right, I heard the sicking lash
Of an admissions counselor
Who was way over-worked
Searching for those
To give college birth
I asked what was wrong
And she looked unassured
It's the applicant pool
Sir, they're all nerds
They wouldn't know fun
If it bit off their ass
They'll stay in their rooms
Hunched over their stash
Not of weed, or a hobby or a thing with fun looks
But pile after pile of boring text books
We'll have no diversity
At least none we can see
Because they won't come outside
And dirty their knees
And at that awful moment
I saw what I'd done
I created a college
And left out the fun
And year after year
The new freshmen come
And do nothing but study
And maybe chew gum
The Lorax said nothing. Just gave me a glance...
just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance...
as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants.
And Ill never forget the grim look on his face
when he heisted himself and took leave of this place,
through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace.
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks, with one word...
unless.
But now says the administrator
Now that you're here
The word of the Lorax seems clear
Unless someone like you
Can party a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better
It's not.
So here! Calls the administrator
As he rolls out from the back
On an old fashioned dolly
Complete with a tap
It's a Keystone Light Keg
Throw a party, invite everyone
Get lots of food and some drink mixers there
Get a cool band, or a DJ in back
Then the Lorax
And all of his friends
May come back.
