What's in a name?
February 14 is around the corner -- a day created to appreciate the loves in our lives. It is also a day to reflect on our ideas about sex and romance. Thank goodness for things like "The Vagina Monologues" that help raise awareness of women's bodies and sexual experiences which have often been ignored and neglected.
I would like to bring up another neglected issue -- women sacrificing their last name and family identity when they get married or have children.
When a man is asked if he will keep his name, it's a joke. But all women who intend to marry must think about it.
Most college women I have talked with either plan on taking their husband's name, intend to keep their name, or dismiss the issue as something that will work itself out later.
Rarely does a woman think about the issue of passing her name onto her children.
Men usually want their children to take their names: "I am the son of my family, it's my family's tradition, and I have a duty to pass on the family name." It's an understandable, human feeling. I feel the same way. I come from a family of daughters -- our name will be lost if no one passes it on.
Permanently losing one's family name is something many men would never dream of inflicting on themselves or their families. When husbands "owned" their wives, as if they were cattle, a woman taking her husband's last name made sense. But in this age of equality it is no longer acceptable. It is irrational and inequitable for one person to give up their name for another.
Families today are complex. Often, both parents work and many women have successful professional lives. Divorce rates are tragically high, and relationships that do last are often partnerships, implying an equal give and take. A new naming arrangement needs to be created for both men and women based on equality, partnership, and respect.
Is it possible to find a win-win, equitable solution? I discussed this with my friends, my family and my boyfriend but we could never find one.
At Christmas eve dinner, my family sat down and this issue came up for discussion. Everyone agreed it was unfair that women should have to lose their family names, but no one had a good answer.
No matter what was done, someone was going to lose out. If I take my husband's last name, I lose my family name. If I keep my last name, I am isolated from my husband and children.
If our children take my last name, my husband loses his family name. If we combined our names into some creative solution, such as if I married a "Tom Greenfield," our shared name could be something like "Palmfield," but then we both lose our family names.
Then over dessert, a possible solution came to me: My theoretical husband and I can both keep our own names.
Our sons will legally take the husband's last name, and our daughters will legally take my last name. However, for all practical purposes, our "family name" will be the hyphenation of both of our last names. For example, on Christmas cards, we would be the "Greenfield-Palmer family."
With this system, both the man and the woman's name will be passed onto future generations, so long as they have a son and a daughter (which depends on fair chance). Daughters will pass on the mother's name, and sons will pass on the father's name. Perhaps a slight disadvantage is that brothers and sisters would legally have different last names. I am not claiming that this proposal is perfect, but like Churchill said of democracy, it is better than the alternatives.
But few of my female friends like this proposal.
Many react saying, "I just don't think it is feasible." However, it took 72 years for women to win the right to vote, after violent protests, imprisonments, hunger strikes and more. Men were not the only opposition -- many women did not want to vote. But today it is unthinkable for women not to vote.
People are understandably afraid of change. But changes toward greater equality and respect will be positive in the long run.
One of my girlfriends is resolute about taking her husband's name, but said she would have considered keeping her name had her mother or older sister kept theirs.
We need to set this example for our younger siblings and children. I believe the current convention is unfair. It is our responsibility to make our society more equitable. Nothing will change until we do.
Some may dismiss this proposal as "feminist." Somehow, feminism has the reputation of male-hating, bra-burning women who want to dominate the world.
The other day I looked up "feminism" in the dictionary: feminism n. 1. Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.
It is the belief that men and women should be treated with the same respect. Aren't we all feminists?
