Following in the footsteps of such journalistic luminaries as Mike Wallace, Barbara Walters and Ed Bradley, The Dartmouth's Mark Sweeney catches up with the big names on campus and asks the questions that others have too much professionalism or integrity to ask. Today, Sweeney chats with the physical specimen that is Andrew Mayer '06.
The D: If you could be any food, what would you be?
Andrew Mayer: I'd be the evolved Oreo ... a Devil Dog. I love Oreos, but whoever thought of Devil Dogs was really a revolutionary.
I mean, he took the idea of an Oreo, made it bigger, softer, tastier, and added a hell of a lot more frosting. If I were a Devil Dog, I'd scoff at Oreos and spit on those low-fat Snackwells cookies. Those things are at the bottom of the snack-food social hierarchy.
The D: You are a Boston sports fan. Explain why you think your hometown Patriots will win their second Super Bowl in three years.
AM: I know it sounds redundant, but the reason why the New England Patriots will win their 15th straight game on Super Bowl Sunday is the rabid fans of Foxboro.
Now, one might ask what it takes to draw such an intimidating, raucous, insanely obese group of Patriot fans to Gillette Stadium every Sunday. Being a seasoned fan, the answer is clear. Bob Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, built a stadium to suit his needs and the needs of his ticket holders.
There is a McDonald's the size of a Toys 'R' Us in the end zone. There is a liberal tailgating policy in the parking lot, enabling many fans to warm up pre-game. And whenever there may be a hush amongst the crowd, some event, whether it be an umbrella stabbing or projectile vomit, is always there to bring the crowd to its feet.
The D: Many leading sportswriters have deemed you the "David Wells of College Lacrosse" because of your chiseled physique. What motivates you to maintain such a remarkable level of physical fitness?
AM: All true athletes, myself included, have come to the realization that every position on the field requires a specific body type. Wiry wide-receivers capable of 4.3-speed, centers as tall as the Great Wall of China is long, even linemen capable of squatting their F-350.
It was under these auspices that I developed my training regimen three years back. As a goalie, if I filled the entire goal, and I mean post to post body mass, nobody could score. I mean, think about it -- the ball could not fit in the net. It's brilliant.
I have been on a quest to reach the six-foot-wide size of the goal now for a while, and I am happy to report that I am more than two-thirds of the way there. I also have enticed Andrew Goldstein '05 to join this body-building (literally) program, and although he may not score any goals this year, his save percentage will be perfect.
The D: We are in the midst of presidential campaign season. If you were running for office, what would your platform be?
AM: I wouldn't run for president; the days of promiscuity in the White House are over.
The D: As one of the few members of the lacrosse team who is not currently a team captain, how would you assess your role on the squad?
AM: It's tough not being a captain, but if the numbers stay as they are, and the number of captains continue to grow exponentially, I really like my chances next year.
No, but really, I assess my role on the team as an off-the-field man. I usually get warmed up right in time for the post-game banquet, and can take a serious chunk out of those six-foot subs the parents provide. You'd be amazed at the looks on their face when they start commenting on leftovers and I show up for a refill. In mid-season form, I once had 17 brownies, and I am looking to build on that this season.
The D: Which athlete do you most admire, and why?
AM: Anna Kournikova. (Any question... take a look).
The D: If you could go out on a date with any celebrity, who would you pick and what would you do on your evening together?
AM: Well, this may be cheating, but I'd double the pleasure and take out the Olsen twins out for their 18th birthdays. They are actresses, entrepreneurs and restauranteurs ... What more could a man want? ... Oh yeah, and there are two of them.
I'd take them to a really nice restaurant, candlelit and all, and afterwards we'd go to the beach and walk and talk and, and, nevermind.
The D: If you could attain any superpower or special talent, what would it be?
AM: X-ray vision. It would be cool to see through walls, and mountains, and other stuff.
The D: Oftentimes, I am told that the figure-four leglock, as utilized by "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Jeff Jarrett, has been the premier submission hold in professional wrestling over the past 20 years. However, I don't think such maneuvers as Rick Martel's Boston crab, Dean Malenko's Texas cloverleaf and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's sleeper hold should be discounted in such an argument. That said, what film has made the greatest impact on you?
AM: Tommy Boy. I don't know why, but I felt like I could relate to one of the characters. I could never put my thumb on which one though.
The D: In your ideal day, what would you spend the day doing?
AM: Swimming in a giant pool of chocolate and vanilla swirl pudding, you know, the kind that comes in snack packs. I wouldn't mind if the Olsen twins came along, too. I know there wouldn't be a risk of them eating any. It would be heavenly.
