The legacy of Dartmouth College is built upon undying traditions that year after year are forced to contend with the evils of liberalism and political correctness. Condoning this erosion of our core values comes at our own peril, for the next step the administration takes may very well be the elimination of the student body from our beloved College. To stem this evil, it is clear that we must defend our hallowed way of life to the bitter end. Accepting change is akin to accepting homosexuality.
Why is it that today there is no man brave enough to jump into the Homecoming bonfire and immolate himself in the name of tradition? Where are the righteous men virtuous enough to beat a minority with his Indian cane when one of them gives him a foul look? How is it that we have become so fearful of the left wing that we have consented to the elimination of the sacred institution of spreading disease to Native Americans? Why are there coloreds running all around this school?
This college was once a great place. It now reeks with the stench of modernity and tolerance. I for one can attest that the only reason I chose to come to Dartmouth was its history, its wonderful past. Thus when those who seek to change aspects of the school trample on tradition in the process, we must rise up. We must rise up and whine, whine like we never have before, whine like the same liberals we criticize so much -- except in our case, people should listen, care and act. Only then will we be able to return Dartmouth to the greatness of times past.
Yet, the attack on tradition is not the only lamentable development at Dartmouth. The squelching of the conservative voice at Dartmouth via the totalitarian, Stalinesque maneuvers of the administration is equally appalling. By prohibiting the door-delivery services of our esteemed conservative newsletters, the nearly thirty people who actually choose to read the blather we print rather than using it more appropriately as toilet paper do not get the opportunity to do so. These poor individuals thus miss the opportunity to enlighten themselves with the arrogant, self-righteous, holier-than-thou dribble that adorns most pages of our paper. Surely, were the new delivery policy to be enforced, these readers would miss our unique writing style: personal attacks to discredit writers with whom we disagree, amplification and sensationalizing of small details to compel readers to lose sight of the main points of arguments and criticism after criticism after criticism after criticism, with nothing positive to say about anything whatsoever. What right-minded individual would stand by idly as the ease of having such divinely-blessed journalism delivered directly to his door is viciously assaulted?
The maggots of the left wing have opened new fronts in their war against conservatism at Dartmouth as well. With the ranks of our faculty filled with liberal-minded professors, our young, malleable minds are poisoned with the debilitating venom of communist sympathizers. It is a great injustice that it is only racial, ethnic and religious diversity the administration seeks, for what about ideological diversity?
Where is the biology professor who will show through scientific journals such as the Bible that evolution is a silly theory and that believing it is tantamount to sacrilege of the most vicious degree? Where is the history professor who will stand proudly before his African-American Studies class and prove empirically that slavery was God's gift to mankind? Where is the economics professor who will correctly instruct his class that the only solution to poverty in this country is the violent disposal of those foolish enough to choose to be poor?
I refuse to believe the many statistical studies that show that college professors simply happen to be more liberal than conservative. There is no doubt in my superior mind that there are millions of unemployed conservative professors who do not have faculty positions purely because of their ideological views. And even if it were true that conservative faculty are a tiny minority, we should still strive to have equal numbers of left- and right-leaning professors at this college (though God knows we would never let there be equal number of minorities and whites at Dartmouth.) Only through the import of conservative professors can we truly call ourselves a diverse community.
In closing, I would just like to remind readers that without the past, there is no present. We must therefore hold on to that past for dear life, lest we get caught up in this "progress" nonsense. We must not tolerate the squelching of the conservative voice at Dartmouth, for what good is political debate without overly critical, libelous, ranting journalism? Forsaking any of these indispensable tenets will surely seal our doom.
