I hope I'm not the only one going into these "I-don't-know-what-I-am-going-to-do-with-my-life" panic modes. Recently they've been coming more often. It's up to about once a day now.
I will graduate from Dartmouth next spring, so I am beginning to think hard about what the heck I'll do after Dartmouth. Possibilities shoot like fireworks in the darkness, while I fumble blindly looking for one that I can catch and hold on to. Several paths may exist out there for me but at the end of this year, I have to make a choice (and hope that I don't end up at my parents' house doing nothing).
I recently made a sharp turn on my life path. I decided not to go to medical school. Something inside me changed and I knew it was not the path for me.
I think I could be a "good doctor." Everyone always said, "Oh you would be such a good doctor, Christina!" Maybe that's why I kept leaning in that direction -- other people kept encouraging me, and I liked the stable future it seemed to give me. But my heart just wasn't in it.
Now I have to sail on a dark and rough ocean of uncertainty.
I began to think about what life could be like without medical school and what else I could do with my life. Ideas sprang up: teaching, the Peace Corps, social work, culinary school, starting my own organization. I could do all of these things! I could make a life of "projects."
Dartmouth has given me opportunities to meet incredible people and learn from them about the kind of life I want to lead. I have met women who have designed their lives on their own terms -- women who have their lives in balance physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, women who nurture life, spew raw energy and inspire hard work and action.
Amanda Nevers '97, a graduate of Dartmouth, was on the track to medical school until she realized she could do much more. After graduating, she started her own organization, Ophelia's House, a home for pregnant teens, in Washington, D.C. From there she moved to California, where she continues working with teens and children.
She told me, "Eighty percent of medical school students say they would have done something else if they had known what other options were out there."
On one of my off terms I worked for Gail Nystrom. Over 20 years ago she joined the Peace Corps and was sent to Costa Rica. She loved it, fell in love with Costa Rican "ticos," and stayed there.
She created the Costa Rican Humanitarian Foundation, raised money and worked with people who needed help all over the country. She adopted dozens of "street kids." These are children who sleep on the streets, are addicted to crack and glue, and carry knives and rob people to survive. Gail is tough and she struggles; she has days when she breaks down and cries with frustration. Nevertheless, she taught me about living with meaning, influence and passion.
This summer in Washington, D.C. I noticed an incredibly flexible woman in my yoga class. Later I found out she was Kimberly Wilson, and she owned the place. She was on a path to becoming a lawyer, but gave it up to become a yoga teacher. She created her own business and opened "Tranquil Space," a cozy, inspirational center where women (and men) come for their yoga practice and meditation.
Seeing women like Amanda, Gail, and Kimberly remind me that I can do anything. I could create my own business, start a non-profit, or enter a service corps. The key is hard work, passion, determination and dreams. We each create our own idea of success and fulfillment. I want a life of passion, adventure, meaning and balance. I want my life, my job and my heart to be in unison.
I know my path is out there; it's just all foggy. It's like Michelangelo's saying about sculptures -- it's in the rock, you just have to free it. My life is out there; I just need to chisel it out.
