Following in the footsteps of such journalistic luminaries as Mike Wallace, Barbara Walters and Ed Bradley, The Dartmouth's Mark Sweeney catches up with the big names on campus and asks the questions that others have too much professionalism or integrity to ask. Today, Sweeney talks with noted social commentator Adam White '05.
By Mark Sweeney
The Dartmouth Senior Staff
The Dartmouth: We of the Class of 2005 are now embarking upon our sophomore summer. What in your opinion are the best and worst aspects of the season that is summer?
Adam White: Summer is really hot. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It's good because it can't snow when it's really hot out. I mean, it tries to snow, but the heat is like, "No way, how about I melt you and turn you into rain." And if you're snow, there's nothing you can really say to that because snow can't speak English because all snow is created by Eskimos in cloud factories. The bad thing about it being hot out is that it makes my armpits sweat profusely.
The D: If you could choose one movie that has most changed your life, what would it be and why?
AW: "Days of Thunder." I learned so much from this movie. I learned that I wanted to be in a NASCAR pit crew when I grow up; I learned that I wanted to name my first child Cole Trickle White; I learned that if you're ever in the hospital with a severe head or neck injury it's okay to race down the halls in a wheelchair like Stephen Hawking on a coke binge (Yaaaaaay! Wheelchair races!); I learned that if you're ever arrested by a hot policewoman or examined by a hot doctor or attacked by a hot grizzly bear, you should try to make out with her, because, hey, Harry probably set this all up; and finally I learned that I'm completely obsessed with Nicole Kidman. This obsession basically governs my daily life (example: I'm unable to leave my room to go to class when "Moulin Rouge" is on HBO Signature) so I'd say "Days of Thunder" is a pretty important movie.
The D: You once wrote a compelling article about your home state of Maine. In it, you made some startling and informative comments. For example, you contended that Maine, despite popular belief, is actually not part of Canada. Are you sure?
AW: Yes. And I will put a stop to this interview if I hear one more derogatory comment about the best state in the Union. I will shoot your mailbox with a shotgun while driving by in a pickup truck because that's what we do in Maine to people we don't like.
The D: If you could pick any five current or former basketball players to form your own personal Dream Team, whom would you choose?
AW: Yao Ming, Gheorghe Muresan, Manute Bol, Bill Walton and Allen Iverson. Think of the possibilities. Four big men. You would have Bill Walton going, "THROW IT DOOOWN, BIG MAN," like every five seconds and Yao going, "Okay, yes. Yao."
And you could have Allen Iverson smoking weed and carrying around unlicensed guns and not coming to practice. He, as the only guard on the team would be the primary ball handler and natural team leader. I would make Manute Bol box ice skate during every timeout. And Gheorghe Muresan's face would be on the jumbotron during every portion of the game because he's ugly. It would be kind of like a basketball game and a horror show at the same time.
The D: In terms of the members the famed '80s pop duo Hall and Oates, whom do you prefer: Hall or Oates?
AW: Definitely Hall. No, wait, Oates. Hall. Damn. Oates. I can't decide. Can G.E. Smith be my answer?
The D: You are renowned for always on the cutting edge of the newest trends and styles. What is your prediction for the hottest fashion trend of the summer of 2003?
AW: I think people are going to take the retro craze to the extreme and go all the way back to the times when nudity ruled. It's just so practical. With all the hot weather we've been having, being naked can really help keep you cool. At night, I like throwing on a loin cloth, or, if there's really a chill in the air, maybe a dead saber-tooth tiger. In the summer it's all about being cool and hot at the same time. It's also all about hot girls reading this and coming to class naked.
The other thing that's going to be a hot item this summer is wolf shirts. Wolf shirts are shirts (typically black) that have an airbrushed picture of a howling wolf (although a coyote is an acceptable substitute) and then like a background of some trees and a mountain. Extra points for a wolf shirt that has a state's name stenciled on it. I've collected wolf shirts from seventeen states, including Idaho.
The D: Who is the more despicable "Evil Empire," and why: the Soviet Union during the Cold War or the New York Yankees of the last five years?
AW: If you think about it, the Soviet Union had good intentions. They thought they had a good system going (communism) and they thought it would be a good idea to share their system with others (forceful expansion.) Of course, they were wrong. The only impressive things communism produced were a few good hockey players and really long lines for bread. Really, the USSR was more comical than menacing.
In order for the Soviet Union to even approach the pure evilness of the Yankees, Stalin would have had to sign Hitler and Mussolini as free agents, trade for Saddam Hussein by giving away two farmhands to the Kansas City Royals, and buy the rights of Osama Bin Laden from the Yomiuri Giants.
The D: Let's say you had your eye on a certain young lady, and you wanted to impress her by serenading her. What song would you choose?
AW: Well, that depends. I like to personalize my songs. I like to try to find something out about the girl I'm serenading. For example, if a girl had a fetish about having sugar poured on her during sex, I would probably sing her Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
Some girls play sports. If I were serenading a girl on the track team that had brown hair and was dating my roommate, I would probably belt out "Come Track Babe" as sung by Ewan McGregor on the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack. I would leave this song on her voice mail after a few beers.
The D: If you could take over the job of any person for one week, who would it be?
AW: I would like to be the guy who operates the scoreboard at Fenway Park because then, when nobody was looking, you could add on an extra run for the home team. Everybody would be like, "Hey, I thought we were losing 16-2 but the scoreboard says that the Sox scored 74 runs in the bottom of the eighth so I guess we're winning." Then Brandon Lyon would come on in the ninth and blow the save. I'd also like to be Nicole Kidman's bodyguard.
The D: What is one thing that your adoring admirers out there may be surprised to know about Adam White?
AW: I hate cat people. I hate anybody who has more than one cat. I hate people who let stray cats sleep at their house. I hate people whose houses smell like cat piss. I hate people who wear cat sweaters. I hate people that hang portraits of them and their cat(s). I hate people who look like they might own a cat. I'm not sure if it's surprising to anyone that I hate cat people but I wanted to make sure I got that out there.
I also enjoy frisbee golf.
