Secrets from DDS

by Matt Soriano | 4/8/03 5:00am

Now that I'm about to graduate, I quake at the thought of having to provide somehow 21 meals a week for myself. Instead of an award-winning dining service at my beck and call, I'll have to trust myself with sharp implements, flammable gas and the threat of bacteria. For four years I've had the luxury of custom sandwiches from lunch till 1 a.m., homemade bread at lunch and Belgian waffles on Sunday. How will I feed myself if I don't have the money to eat out or the personality to get someone to cook for me, and the fire department comes every time I turn on the stove?

My hands are already shaking with just the thought of being separated from the Collis soup caldron.

Perhaps DDS can provide an answer for me. If they can feed 3,900 people in a day they surely have the secret to feeding one lonely grad student. I managed to filch one of their top secret employee manuals, but I wasn't able to find anything that even hinted at solving my problem. They have a lot of interesting ways of solving their own problems, though. The fact that I couldn't think of more than 198 words for this column has nothing to do with the scandalous gravity of these shocking revelations. Without further ado, here are selections from the Top Secret DDS Employee Manual.

-Despite the fact that a family of four can indulge in the utmost of gluttony on $800 worth of groceries every two months, we at DDS feel that it is perfectly fair to price food so that a single very hungry student exceeds his $800 billing plan by no later than the seventh week of the term. Heaven forbid efficiencies of scale take hold in the food services enterprise.

-Nobody must be allowed to know what we put into the baked goods at Collis. Revealing the secret of their addictive qualities could destroy Collis' mystique and might interest the FDA, DEA and narcotics traffickers looking for something more powerful than crack cocaine.

-Some day in the very near future, Larry will be able to address every student by name. Until then, we won't hold it against him if he takes a look at the ID cards.

-As well as nourishing the bodies of Dartmouth students, DDS is a full fledged partner in Dartmouth's community of the mind. To that end, green recycling bins are to supply a variety of periodicals and reading materials which allow students to build intellectually what the Double Bacon Cheeseburger deal destroys physiologically.

-No matter how infrequently people order pizza from the Food Court grill, at least half of the counter space at such grill must be devoted to purely ornamental pizza. Uneaten pizza drying out under heat lamps serves aesthetic values far in excess of the extra time it costs people waiting for their Reubinators.

-For efficiency's sake concentrate the creative cooks, organic and vegetarian food, creative soups, delectable baked goods and smoothie operations in one place which happens to be the student center. There's no fire hazard whatsoever involved in packing students cheek-to-jowl in a 400 square foot kitchen.

-Having convenient bins that separate food and paper from plastic and trash is a great way to neutralize the damage to the environment caused by using paper plates, plastic containers and plastic-wrapped plastic utensils at dining facilities.

-Information is power. Specifically, it contains the power to prevent Dartmouth students from accessing their Collis salad bar items from their protective barriers of ingredient information labels. As G.I Joe would say, "Knowing is half the battle", and Collis is determined to defend the vegetables at all costs.