Thanks to the Sept. 11 recession, those of us with the intestinal fortitude to look for jobs are now being confronted with recruiters who got into the job market in the blissful late 1990's, when executives seemed to earn their spectacular pay packages, "The Simpsons" was witty and creative and federal agents didn't have the right to cavity-search you at the airport. Now we face a bleak world ahead of us. Guys in business suits are doing the "perp walk" while their wives hawk their $400 cedar coat hangers on eBay. "The Simpsons" has been milked of all good ideas and turned into a yellow-skinned, bug-eyed Fox profit machine. And smart travelers bring K-Y jelly with them to the security checkpoint.
Before the era of the Incredible Shrinking Portfolio, Fortune 500 firms hired anyone who could string together phrases like "leverage supply-chain synergies and take meta-enterprise integration to the next century." The next century, unfortunately, has turned out to be bleaker than that. And like phoenixes from the wreckage, we candidates for employment -- at least the ones who got interviews -- face the unique humiliation of being more intelligent than our interrogators.
How could a recruiter possibly comprehend the value of a candidate that's smarter than he is? What would he write on his leather-encased clipboard that could in any way provide some sort of insight?
You could have situations like this:
The Candidate says: "My accomplishments? Well, a month ago I implemented a 10MBps 802.11b wireless LAN with 64-bit encryption and broadband TCP/IP."
The Interviewer writes: Candidate could probably fix my e-mail when it breaks. We need nerds like him.
The Candidate says: "And I've also written a finance paper that talks about how, ceteris paribus, consensus ratings at best provide no information and at worst provide contrary information to future equity appreciation"
The Interviewer writes: Candidate could probably put me and everyone I work with in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. We can't let whistle-blowers like him work for the SEC.
The Candidate says: "I've led teams of people on job sites where we attached rafters, soffits, and perlins flush with mobile home roofs all in one day."
The Interviewer writes: In addition to being able to fix my email, the candidate could probably also repair copiers without calling the service guys. Imagine that! He's a keeper.
You see where I'm going with this?
At least we job market entrants can pat ourselves on the back for not taking the cop-out approach and going to graduate school. Law school applications are stressing our beleaguered Postal Service as terrified college seniors hide behind the skirts of academia in order to avoid facing the brutal economic reality. We intrepid few are getting in on the ground floor of this economy. Four years from now, firmly entrenched in Corporate America, we'll be sitting in our expensive chairs and looking at our compatriots with a gimlet eye.
Us: "So it says here on your resume that you spent a year traveling in Costa Rica after you graduated college."
Them: "Yes, I lived out of a backpack. I think I really discovered myself during that year."
Us: "Living out of a backpack. That must be real tough compared to prostrating yourself before unsympathetic employers. But wait -- you had to deal with mosquitoes! What a trooper we've got in front of us!"
Them: "Well, I did go to law school. You can't fault that."
Us: "Ah, yes. You discovered that you -- the real you -- wanted to follow the sheep-like herd and go to law school and hide for another three years. Isn't that right? Strange how the economy is tied to your self-discovery. And I'm honored that you submit to my corporate being. I truly am."
Ahh, the schadenfreude will be sweet, won't it? The only problem is that the humble pie couldn't taste worse right now. Things are changing, though. The Dow has posted record gains in the past week. We're going to war and Boeing is ramping up production. There's no better fiscal stimulus than dropping bombs on an enemy. And Britney Spears seems to be gone from our cultural radar. It's all uphill from here.
