Senator, someone from Philip Morris is on line one."
"Thanks, I got it Bill! How's it going? Haven't talked to you in a while Yes, the wife and the kids are doing great. So what's your reason for calling? Mmhmm. Sure, I understand, there really aren't enough young kids smoking today. I do see your point. That is definitely a problem Yes, yes, I realize the importance of the tobacco industry to our state. So you think putting traces of nicotine and tobacco in drinking water will help? No, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. And mandatory smoking breaks for all employees at all companies nationwide? Sure, I'll talk to my colleagues about it -- we'll get it pushed through.
"So when exactly do you want this done by? Uh huh. Well, you know it will cost you, of course How much? Well, my opponent in next year's election is a millionaire, so I'm going to need some funds to run a good campaign Yes, that sounds like a good figure. Just give it to the party, and it'll get to me Oh no, there's no law against you giving that much. And even if there were, we're rich and powerful, so there's nothing anyone can do about it! Ha! Yes, it's nice talking to you too. Bye, Bill."
"So the alcohol companies want us to get more people drinking alcohol. The unions want us to get workers a two-day work-week and health and dental insurance coverage for employees' pets. And the wealthy environmentalists want us to clean up the air and water and abolish cars, trucks and motorcycles to lower emissions. Well, we have to appease all these groups or we're not going to fare so well in the next election because we just won't have the funds. Yes, I think combining these organizations' concerns into one law is probably the best way to handle this. Some kind of law that makes workers drink lots of alcohol during their four-day weekend, then makes them go outside and catch car exhaust in plastic bags and throw them away. How about that? Yes! Well, I've done enough work for my six-year term -- I'm going to vote for a pay increase for myself and then go on vacation for a while. See you in a few months."
"Hey there, Bob, I've been talking to my friend Joe over at Gigantic Oil Company Inc., and he's prepared to offer quite a bit of money to the party if I were to rally support for drilling in people's yards No, I mean actually drilling in private homeowners' yards Well, I was just thinking that environmentalists like yourself wouldn't be too thrilled about the idea, and I was wondering what kind of money you would be willing to spend to make sure it didn't happen. It would have to be more than what Gigantic Oil is planning on paying us, of course Yes, I realize that you alone don't have enough money to top Gigantic Oil's offer, but perhaps you could talk to your other millionaire environmentalist friends to come up with some cash Because if you don't, you shouldn't be too surprised to see a little oil derrick poking out of your front lawn Yes, I do like my job and I am proud of what I am doing, why do you ask?"
"Okay, so you want more guns out on the street, that I understand. But how am I supposed to do that? Oh, I see, yes, that makes sense. So you want me to sponsor a bill that makes it a law that everyone has to carry a gun and have at least three more at home? Tell people that guns will protect them? Okay Yup, I see the merit of this bill. It'll help you guys make a lot more money -- which is good, because then you and other gun makers and the NRA can give us a lot more money No, we don't need to worry at all about what the regular American people think -- they don't count really You don't see them giving our party lots of money do you? (Chuckles). Yeah, they will never mean anything to us."
Why are we even debating campaign finance reform?
