The pretzel that lodged in President Bush's throat and left him unconscious for several seconds has not escaped close scrutiny by the nation's top law enforcement officials. After suggesting that the incident could have been the work of terrorists attempting to injure or even assassinate the president, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered a thorough investigation of the events of that day and the rounding up of all people of Arab descent who were within one mile of the White House when the president began choking. As an added precaution, Ashcroft deployed the National Guard to pretzel factories around the country, giving them special instructions to watch out specifically for minorities and to operate by blatant racial profiling.
A spokesman for the Attorney General had this statement: "Ideally we're not exactly supposed to use or even condone racial profiling. But, hey, there's nothing any of you can do about it, so tough."
Opponents of Ashcroft's measures assert that it is very unlikely that terrorism was involved in the choking incident , thus making the new measures unnecessary. A man protesting the measures outside the White House had this to say: "Hell, I think it's more likely that the man [President Bush] accidentally killed himself rather than some terrorists doing anything. He was probably trying to do too many things at the once, like change the TV channel while also eating the pretzel. A man like him gotta keep the number of things he doing at the same time to a minimum or else he's gonna hurt himself again."
The scandal involving Enron, the energy giant that in December made the largest bankruptcy filing in United States history, engulfed the White House last week, with allegations that the Bush administration's relationship with Enron was more than close. Amid accusations of illegal corporate contributions and the application of foreign policy with the specific aim to help Enron, the Bush administration has finally sought to distance itself from the collapse after weeks of defending the company that was the single largest contributor to Bush's campaign. Mr. Bush's decision to criticize Enron after defending it for so long apparently came after he found out that his mother-in-law lost thousands of dollars on Enron stock when its executives sold all their stock and at the same time told employees and other stock holders to retain theirs. Evidently the other Americans who lost "thousands of dollars" on Enron stock didn't enter into Mr. Bush's mind
President Bush unveiled his plans for this year's military spending Saturday during his weekly radio address. Promising to increase spending on the military to its highest level in 20 years, Mr. Bush cited the increased threat of terrorism as the main reason behind the spending hikes. "We Republicans are always looking for some excuse to increase military spending," Mr. Bush said. "The growing danger of terrorism is a great reason to spend more on the military " even Democrats have to agree or they're for the destruction of America. Before Sept. 11, the only reason I would have had to increase military spending would have been to prevent Al Gore from leading a coup against me by stealing an election or something."
Meanwhile in Afghanistan, the search for the terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden has hit a roadblock due to the lack of any information on his location. The CIA believes the terrorist leader is still somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan, while the Army believes he has escaped to somewhere in Pakistan. The Air Force claims it has intelligence that suggests bin Laden is hiding out somewhere in Afghanistan's dense forests, and John Ashcroft said today that bin Laden may be working in a pretzel factory.
Other U.S. intelligence sources suggest that he may be in a putrid and excrement-filled bunker overflowing with lice and rodents, or Hell, where it is rumored bin Laden is trying to become Satan's newest disciple.
Finally, India celebrated its 53rd annual Republic Day on Saturday with a parade of troops, military vehicles, ballistic missiles and colorful floats displaying India's rich and diverse culture. The parade, which was scaled down this year because many of India's military forces have been deployed along its border with Pakistan, was nevertheless a spectacular display of India's military might, with sophisticated missiles, helicopters and jet planes showing what one of the world's largest military budgets can buy. Absent from the parade were the 500 million or so poor people who live in India, showing what one of the world's largest military budgets can't buy.
