I must confess that I haven't been watching a lot of sports recently, but if you haven't either, you can now get up to speed in The Hardcore Truth's Guide to Professional Athletics. For example, I have this friend who works in an Indian restaurant. He sees different faces every night, but the same result year after year: people choking on their food late in a meal. Because their players are always choking, the Boston Red Sox are the proverbial Indian restaurant of the baseball world.
The Seattle Mariners, on the other hand, are more like the alt-rock band, Radiohead. Both Radiohead and the Mariners were really good from 1995-98, but for a few years nobody really knew what happened to them. Then all of a sudden, both of them have amazing years. Radiohead releases Kid A and Amnesiac, and the Mariners are currently on pace to win more games than any team in baseball history.
Like Radiohead, the Mariners were able to improve while at the same time removing themselves from the mainstream. They dumped high profile players like Ken Griffey, Randy Johnson, and A-Rod, and are now led by the charismatic likes of Ichiro Suzuki, Freddy Garcia and John "J-Rude" Olerud.
I'm gonna try to accommodate as many readers as possible, so this one's for Govy majors. Mike Tyson is to sports what Jerry Falwell is to politics. I find that sports and politics are two fascinating fields with lots of boring people. I mean, have you ever heard an interview with an athlete?
"So you have a championship game tonight. What emotions are going through your head?"
"I just gotta go out there, play hard, play my game, try to play hard to win ..."
And these guys need a coach? It seems to be all about playing hard. And politics is no better. There are so many demographics now that a politician rarely has anything interesting to say.
Enter Falwell and Tyson. I don't agree with anything Falwell says, but you have to admit that his theories are at least mildly entertaining. Similarly, I couldn't stand by Tyson when he said he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis's children for breakfast, especially because Lewis doesn't have any children. Tyson also imparted his wisdom to the world when he claimed, "If you can't be nice to a man constantly, you should kill him."
Far less interesting than Mike Tyson is the sport of golf. Golf reminds me of the late-80s sit-com, "Charles in Charge." Both are mildly uninteresting fare that on occasion you will catch yourself watching with your father, upon which you will stop and wonder, is this all there is too life?
Now tell me, would you ever watch an episode of "Charles in Charge" without Scott Baio? Such is Tiger Woods. There is no question that Woods has a certain grace to his game that makes it almost exciting to watch, but watching Bob Tway and Lee Janzen duke it out is about as unexciting as a party at Poison Ivy.
And speaking of bad ideas, how about Cal Ripken? Is any one else here tired of this walking "Ripley's Believe It or Not" specimen? Sure, I couldn't play 2,000+ games in a row, but one has to wonder if there was any point. By the end of the streak, the Baltimore Orioles third base position was one of the most offensively inept in the majors. Guess who played 162 games there? And the team still needed a backup on the roster.
His insistence on playing injured could not have improved his performance or Baltimore's, unless you want to make the argument that his playing through injuries was an inspiration to his team. Call me crazy, but I think millions of dollars, thousands of fans, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to play professional baseball should be inspiration enough for a major league baseball player. Enough with his farewell tour, we should focus on future sports stars, the time bombs waiting to explode, like Dartmouth's Taylor Smith.
I know what you're all wondering. What entity in this world is comparable to Michael Jordan? What parallel will Hardcore come up with next? A history major might point to Winston Churchill, who cleaned house in British Parliament for over a decade before leaving the field, only returning to become Prime Minister in World War II. But Churchill never came back a second time, for a different country ... That's what makes it so hard, not even Jesus came back a second time, and although Christians say He will, I doubt it will be for a different religion.
In short, Jordan is one unique guy, and he'll be sure to put the "wi(n)" back in "Wizards." And for those of you who question his coming back, just remember that he has no reason to care what you think, and he could still school you. That's it for this Hardcore Truth, and, like Wu-Tang, the saga continues ...
