In a situation that requires solemnity, such as this one, people surround themselves with displays of emotion, just as I did when my grandfather died, just as anyone would. But I want to address a larger issue-- how I cope with dying, and, hopefully, how to cope with dying. I am writing this piece to anyone who has a concern about this issue. I have trouble with death and dying, I must say. Maybe I am abnormal, but when I hear about a death, even a death in my family, I have trouble knowing what to feel. Deaths are surreal to me. Instead of an outburst of emotion, I would rather take on the easier process of masking my feelings, whether through humor or work or activity. I become detached, scared, confused. If my prose is a little choppy from here on or my passive is abundant or I am abstract, forgive me.
When my grandfather died, I appreciated greatly the emotional support that friends brought to my family. Empathy is wonderful, but somewhere in a community the line is drawn between who is in the inner sanctum of the family and friends and who is just a supporter. I dislike the veneer that I have experienced at the (thankfully) few funerals I've attended. I feel uncomfortable at such places. The discomfort over this situation is why I only want to talk to people I trust. And I trust anyone who can put aside their social veneer and show whatever cavities and flaws are inside him or her. If someone doesn't really care, however, I get a pain in my stomach that neither Zantac nor Prilosec can cure. And honestly, writing on such a serious and personal topic, I feel that pit now.
The way I feel and rationalize makes me wonder about such phrases as "in these trying times" or "with solemn respect." To me, these phrases are just as detached, merely abstractions designed to remove the speaker or author from the event as much as any masking. The "emotion" that is supposed to diffuse through the Dartmouth community may be my self-same feeling of remorse and removal. Some of the words of the Dartmouth publications do belie this removal from the "incident," because these publications are more connected to the community. Thankfully, no one has yet said those few tabloid words to satisfy the desires of many people. However, sensationalism of the larger media transforms a notable death into a carnival, especially in the case of a murder. Even respectable papers and journals will inflame the public with such language as "TWO DARTMOUTH PROFESSORS FOUND DEAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE" (CNN.com). The media transforms anything remotely human into something other than the x-rated soap opera that we live in, to steal a line from John Irving. Here, the passive verb found in the capitalized title reinforces the notion that this is a story of intrigue, inviting us to string a line of speculation together into a plot.
We are supposed to ask lurid and seamy questions. The urge is to make this story into an Agatha Christie story. Everyone should read the Boston Globe story on A1 yesterday, which can be found on Boston.com. The story uses such words as "mysterious" and the journalists posit several theories about the murderer, in one case saying that a "young man [who] sounded manic-depressive and paranoid" may have committed the crime. Such speculation reduces the credibility of the media as well as breaking the police's express desire to contain the crime. It destroys respect for the family and respect for a complicated incident.
I use the example of the media because I think that it reinforces the way we are supposed to react. We are caught in a bind. The larger media wants you to find out the lurid details while the community wants to resist this desire. We are supposed to use some of the "many resources available to help those of you who have specific needs related to this tragedy," as one bulletin said. Yet, we are supposed to yearn for tabloid-esque details about the crime, just as much as CNN and The Boston Globe think we want those details.
But this is Dartmouth. This is not a bank heist or the latest twister to hit the midwest. This tragedy may affect more people here because we are such a small community and this event is so bizarre and unusual. I want to resist the desire to turn us into contemporary media fodder. The human interest should stop upon entering the county lines. We live in a community not intent on the rest of the world, but on our own bubble, our own local politics. To defile an event of such significance to our little world is too much. I think I too have needs related to this tragedy, but the phone numbers listed on the bulletin cannot help. I have the need to cry out, in deserto, if you will, cry out against the events of the past few days, against the undignified treatment of so personal an event. I hope that family and friends of the Zantops feel support from the community and ignore any snoopings of the media. I am glad their house cannot be seen from the road so photographers can't get "evidence."
I would encourage people to think about this tragedy a little more openly. I think that meditation is a "proper" mode of discourse to deal with this event, better than a few empty thoughts callously flung out to the world through the bigger name papers. There are a lot of ironies and paradoxes diffuse in this situation. Think about them.
