Green Key: a weekend steeped in tradition. Nothing else at Dartmouth is as steeped in tradition as Green Key. Many things are steeped in tradition at Dartmouth, but try as we might, we cannot tradition-steep them even to the same order of steepitude as is steeped the fair weekend of Green Key.
Actually, I can't think of any Green Key traditions. I know, everyone will say that the Friday band is a tradition, but I honestly can't remember seeing a band at Zete the past three years I've been here. I guess I'm a big, big loser.
But that's okay! Because during Green Key, everybody's a winner. Who's the big winner? Everyone! Traditions are generally built around keeping certain people up and holding others down. We do it our way, because that's the way we've always done it, and if you can't do it our way, then you're untraditional. So it's fitting that we have no traditions at Green Key anymore because frankly, everybody does it any damn way they please this weekend. And nobody can do a thing about it. It's untraditional.
Think a party is lame? There are seven more going on within sight of you at any time. Think a band sucks? There's another one somewhere else. Think frat row is boring, stuck up and too involved in drinking? Go canoeing or swimming or whatever the hell you wanna do. There is plenty of time, and plenty of people will be more than willing to do whatever it is you want to do. Bohemia!
If 7 a.m. is too early to get up for you, consider getting up at 7 p.m. and staying up till 7 a.m. Trust me, it's doable. There are no rules, except the following: do not call your parents (Mother's Day was last week); do not visit the library, unless to cut through it; do not watch TV; do not use e-mail; do not dress nicely; do not worry about appearances; do not be concerned about any of those all too Dartmouth things with which we are constantly preoccupied. This weekend is all about fun. Whatever your personal vision of fun is, do that. But trust me, TV should not be your personal vision of fun. My personal vision of fun is too lengthy and depraved to get into here, but it involves Winona Ryder and a ping pong ball. Well, maybe not Winona Ryder.
Now, the sentimental seniors out there will wonder when I will wax eloquent and talk about all the wonderful times I've had at Green Key and how important it is to enjoy it, but screw them. Yes, 2000s, screw you. I think we understand each other. Besides, they've all just finished their theses and are looking for a cold beer and a warm embrace from anyone, so sentimentality isn't really entering the picture just now. "Well, he/she was the only one there" is a commonly heard justification.
Anyway, there will be plenty of time for sentimentality in the last two weeks, while you underclassmen are locked in Kiewit, like I am now. As you're scurrying to get those take-homes and papers done, we'll be cheating on our exams and not citing our papers as we envision the glorious moment at which we will get our rectangular piece of paper, the exit visa from the Upper Valley.
Between now and then, we'll probably each take a couple quiet moments for ourselves, but not this weekend. Because, as sad as we may be, we can always look at the alums who come back, trying desperately to hold on to their youth, and we'll be able to say, "Thank God I'll never be like them."
Yet, throughout it all, the simple truth is this: there are no rules this weekend. You can make your own personal vision of fun be realized. Avoid the police and Safety and Security if possible. H-Po is never a good time, and S&S gets trigger happy with their pepper spray this time of year. If you're still doing your thesis, good luck with it and stay out of the way. And given my apparent prognosticative tendencies with regards to Mother Nature, I hereby guarantee that there will be good weather this weekend. If the weather is bad, I will never write another column for The D, ever. So I guess you win either way. It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do. Happy Green Key.
