"It turns out that Scott Bakula still has a year of NCAA eligibility, and even though he's no spring chicken, he's got one hell of an arm, and the experience to whip this rag-tag bunch of misfits you call a football team into shape, goddamit."
It came to my attention recently that Scott Bakula still has a year of NCAA eligibility left. He left college, and football, abruptly after his junior year to take care of the farm after his dad passed on. It is my belief that he is just the man to whip this team into shape.
As a small Texas university that has fallen from its position as a football powerhouse in recent years, thanks especially to various violations of NCAA regulations and federal and state laws, we need Bakula's strength, integrity, skill, and especially his experience.
I went out to visit the former star quarterback, now pushing thirty, at his farm. What did I see when I got there but the aging farmer throwing tight, perfect spirals at speeds that could take your head off, right in the center of a small, rustic target some distance away. He wasn't too eager to come back to the game, I'll admit it, but he finally agreed to re-enroll in school (and that means taking classes, too, which is a venue for possible hilarity, especially if he encounters some very attractive but tight-lipped female professor who's not about to give any breaks to football players, that's for damn sure) and to quarterback the football team.
My move may be unprecedented, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Why, the rest of our team is composed of some sort of twisted para-military karate guy, a wide receiver who can't catch, and an offensive line full of fat, lazy good-for-nothings. And things aren't made any easier by that blasted Dean, who actually wants us to fail. Why else would he set up a scrimmage between our boys and that team of dirty-playing prisoners?
Scott seems to think that he can get a former lineman of his, Sinbad, to also join the team. Sinbad's a professor here now, it's true, but it turns out that he also has a year left of eligibility. What are the odds? If we could get these two former greats on to one football team, we might actually have a chance of beating our cross-state rivals. God damn those cheating hooligans! Our animosity towards those perennial state championship winners was only fanned when we brawled with them at the local cowboy bar.
Someone of Scott Bakula's experience and poise, with a little help from Sinbad, just might mold this bunch of rag-tag misfits into something resembling a football team, but there's still something missing-- a world-class field goal kicker. And not just a good kicker, but also a beautiful woman. The answer was obvious when that soccer ball came flying through the goal posts and on to our practice field: soccer star Kathy Ireland.
Sure, Kathy's had her troubles fitting in with the guys. When that big goombah knocked her down after she kicked an extra point, he looked down on her and sneered: "welcome to football." Ha, wouldn't you know it, but Kathy had a witty rejoinder of her own. She got up and used that powerful kicking leg of hers to plant one square between his legs. "Welcome to foot, ball," she said. God bless that kid.
If we can just get this team working like a well-oiled machine, we might just have a chance at glory. And I think that the man who can do it for us is Scott Bakula. He may be old, but he's our only chance.
