Okay, so what nationality is Doctor Claw supposed to be? That's it. That's the whole column.
In case you haven't gotten the picture, this is a hip, ironic column, full of the off-beat color that you've come to expect from college students, or "Might." You'll know to laugh, because you'll be talked down to in such a trendy way that you won't be able to contain your appreciation. This column will make references to obscure Jello Biafra spoken word albums, and you'll smile with the vague notion that something has been referenced. This is the wave of the future. This is what is actually funny. True humor is to reap where one does not sow. So it has been written, so it shall be done.
This column will try just hard enough to come off as disaffected. Roguish, but disaffected. This column will talk about "The Thong Song" in a totally un-ironic way, and wear sweater vests, because this column is not punk rock; this column is new wave in the cool indie-rock way, not that cheesy metallic clothing way. This column wishes it could write a good book and be famous and have very pronounced nipples, all as some sort of trendy five-year plan. This column no longer finds it funny to be considered part of an ethnic and religious minority. Or does it count as ethnic?
This column wants you to worship it. This column wants to know someone named Terrence so it can quote A.E. Housman and have a reason. Kind of. This column fixes its hair because it knows you are looking and you are curling your lip.
The subject of this column is the charming love story/ action-adventure movie, "Here on Earth," starring Leelee Sobieski. It is a beautiful, heart-warming, hard-rocking movie. In it that guy from "American Pie" (y'know, the lacrosse guy who your friend thought was totally gay, and your girlfriend thought was hot), and some other guy, who is Ethiopian, fight over the Caucasian actress.
The Ethiopian is Leelee's husband, but when the gay lacrosse guy comes to town riding a Vespa decorated with the Union Jack, she falls for him (the gay lacrosse guy), who is rich. This rich interloper takes his shirt off at some point, and also may build some sort of house.
Leelee, famous for her roles in "Never Been Kissed" and "Hot Pants College II," is the daughter of both Jodie Foster and Helen Hunt, conceived during a bizarre gamma ray experiment, during which scientist Bruce Banner ran onto the testing ground in order to save the two esteemed actresses.
After the house is completed, the war room erupts in celebration, during which military hats are thrown up in the air, because it turns out that the missiles on the screen weren't real after all, just like that plucky kid and Ally Sheedy were trying to tell them.
Admittedly, this column has never seen this movie, but it looks really good. There are scenes of boys and girls talking, and the house-building scene looks really exciting. And I think there's a disease involved -- maybe some kind of rich-kid VD. Also, there is a German U-boat, which either the rich kid or the Ethiopian blow up. Needless to say, this is one hell of a movie. The Germans may be able to build a good bomb, but moviemaking is the domain of the good old U.S. of A. I wager when Kaiser Bill sees this movie, he'll quit his kraut-talk and buy War Bonds from Uncle Sam.
But also, what is that wonderful song about a little black backpack? I just can't get enough of it. Because it is so good, and because I have one of those little backpacks and I love it to death. I keep a hairbrush in it. And sometimes Gold Bond. This column will never break the fourth wall.
