In keeping with what has become an increasingly alarming trend in this column, I will now proceed to pontificate. The subject of my pontification shall be the inept and wayward campaign of one George W. Bush.
George W. Bush must not be elected President. I cannot stress that enough. To elect George W. Bush to the highest office in the land is to concede that money is absolutely the most important factor in politics. The ultimate irony is, of course, that his chief opponent's entire platform centers on campaign finance reform. If you were a wealthy multinational corporation that was quite comfortable enjoying the benefits of political influence through campaign contributions, which guy would you give your money to? Not really a tough decision.
But, what no one seems to understand is that Bush is a total scumbag. The Securities and Exchange Commission was investigating him for insider trading in the oil market years ago. There was more than enough evidence to throw the book at him, yet he got off. How can this be? Well, guess who was President at the time? That's right, dear old dad was the Commander-in-Chief in those days and crotchety, ugly mom was first lady. And if you're a commissioner on the SEC, and the President asks you to overlook something, you do it if you want to keep your job.
That's not even remotely close to all that he's done, however. Several times he was accused of acting very shadily in the deal that bought and subsequently sold the Texas Rangers. And in general, he's a creep. He's a millionaire who bought the governorship of Texas (away from Anne Richards, one of the most respected women in politics ever), and now he's trying to buy the presidency. Let's be honest. Steve Forbes tries to buy the Presidency too. But at least he does it with his own money. He isn't given the money and told to go make speeches about nothing in order to win the office and make the world safe for rich people once again.
That is not to say that McCain is some sort of saint. He's a jerk, too. And Gore and Bradley both have ample skeletons in their closet. The defining difference is, however, that Bush is a millionaire first, politician second, while the other three are actual statesmen. McCain has been a huge part of Republican politics for ages. Gore was one of the most respected senators of our time, and Bradley played for the Knicks, for Christ's sake.
To be fair, however, there are countless examples of political dynasties in our history. The Adams family, the Roosevelts, the Kennedys, even Gore's dad was a senator. But the defining aspect of this dynasty is that it's terrible. Who votes for George Bush's son only eight years after voting pops out of office? It doesn't make sense. People in liberal America always wanted Bobby, Ted, and John John to run for the highest office in the land. And each time the idea was brought up, it was broadly criticized by conservative America as riding on JFK's coattails. The distinction here is that at least they were respectable coattails to ride on. And due to three untimely deaths and two plane crashes, none of those three ever made it into office.
But George Bush was a terrible president. He got us into a war that accomplished next to nothing. He put us into a recession. He raised taxes after explicitly promising not to. He had an ugly and uninteresting wife (apparently that runs in the family). Please, please do not write a letter about that. It's a joke. In general, his four years were four that I think a lot of people are utterly apathetic about, and he was totally out of touch with mainstream America, not like the new revamped and hip Republican party of today
So here's what we're gonna do. Super Tuesday is March 7. It is the day that will decide the nominee for the Republican Party. If you didn't vote in New Hampshire, you can still vote on an absentee ballot in your home state. Call your election board. Register or change your registration to Republican. Vote for McCain. I'm not saying that McCain should be President. I'm saying that anyone except Bush should get it. The Democratic nomination doesn't matter. They both smoked dope, they're both pro-choice, and they both have moderate liberal convictions. Either one would do a pretty good job. But we need to stop Bush. Otherwise, the continual TV ads and blitzkrieg of information that $40 million allows will undoubtedly sway the more uninformed and irrational members of our society.
