Note: This column involves the Initiative.
In addition, it touches on winos and organic farmers.
Two days ago, moments after the steering
committee released its final recommendations for social improvements, hundreds of Dartmouth students opened up the report, and, like true devotees to tradition and common sense, asked themselves same thing: "Does this thing come with coupons?" After discovering that the answer to this question was an obvious "Yes, but they are cleverly hidden," many went ahead and read the report anyway. Even though there were much funnier items in the news this week, including -- and this is an actual fact -- that a man was found, by authorities from Georgia, to have eaten 55 crack pipes. (The man was apparently from Planet Blinko.)
If you are among those that have not seen the steering committee's report, then unlike what you may believe, you probably do not exist. On Monday morning, hard copies of the report were to be found all over campus, give or take (i.e. give) every square inch of earth between McNutt Hall, and, heading north, whatever is directly south of McNutt Hall. The entire report was also posted on the Internet, and a summarized version was mailed to everyone. I don't mean to label such information dissemination tactics as "zealous," but the same effect could have been achieved had, roughly speaking, the entire steering committee been dropped via bomber plane on my head. Which might have been useful, when you think about it, because after the committee landed I could have let it know that I, personally, found the large majority of their views to be both worthwhile and realistic! To a colony of newborn mutant space reptiles.
The full title of the report stands as "Recommendations Submitted to the Board of Trustees By The Committee on the Student Life Initiative," which, in a matter of cosmic significance, is a long and boring title. A striking coincidence? To say the least. Just what is all of the actual fuss about, however, you ask? Well, eager Mr. or Mrs. Beaver, on your behalf I have carefully pored over every single page of the report, the report being "Sports Illustrated", and thus am qualified to summarize Dartmouth's new vast and specific plan to improve the social and residential experience at the College:
"Somewhere, by the year 2019, a building may be constructed to house a facility created to make use of a social space that IF YOU DRINK ALCOHOL YOU ARE A CRETIN AND FOR $35,000 A YEAR WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO TURN THIS COLLEGE INTO HARVARD WHICH HA ON YOU IS DORKVILLE HA HA, which may or may not include a bowling alley."
Outraged students have already used many words to describe the provocative 55-page-long report, such as "provocative", "a report", and "55 pages long". But I, on the other hand, am not one to rush to judgment. If you read "between the lines", or as the British say, "past the table of contents" of the report, you will see exactly what the committee and Trustees are REALLY getting at here. Among the most intrinsically far-reaching yet commonly overlooked proposals:
-- Godzilla is hereby officially declared a food group.
-- The entire Greek system shall be replaced by a more modern, efficient, intellectual enterprise. Namely, a Roman system. During all dinner table conversation, "Zeus" will heretofore be referred to as "The Vatican", and the number of houses in he system will be lessened from 28 to XXVIII.
-- In order to satisfy a new World Culture requirement, any student who cannot trace his or her lineage back to at least 16 different cultures shall be deported immediately to Tunisia, and may only be allowed re-admission to the College upon locating several rare international artifacts, including Tunisia.
-- A UGA will be placed in each fraternity and sorority, in order to foster friendliness and consideration.
UGA in fraternity: "Um, excuse me, but you'll have to keep it down. It's 9 p.m., and people are studying!
Fraternity member #1: (Tosses UGA into bathtub.)
Fraternity member #2: (Tosses hungry snakes into bathtub.)
-- At registered social events, all alcohol is to be served only by a College-certified, trained, non-student server.
-- At registered social events, all alcohol is to be consumed only by a College-certified, trained, non-student town wino.
-- The "tap" system shall be done away with, as well. Specifically, if you want to attract someone's attention from across a crowded fraternity basement, it is no longer acceptable for you to march across the room and "tap" that particular person on his or her shoulder (or, if it is available, Range Rover). Under the new plan, you are legally obligated to remain where you are, and shout: "Hey Bob, I need your attention, and on the double!" Now, bearing in mind that this exact statement will not get the attention of anyone who is not named "Bob,"
-- Everyone must change his or her name to "Bob."
-- The ambiguous statue outside of the Hopkins Center must also change its name to "Bob."
-- Unless you feel that it is more of a "Jebidiah."
-- We will stop ignoring the plight of Hanover's organic farmers.
-- We will ignore their children instead.
-- And, finally, so as not to further public hysteria in the wake of severe alcohol restrictions to undergraduates, Trustee co-chair Susan Dentzer '77 has personally agreed to "buy for everyone."
When you take all of this into account, one conclusion becomes plain as day: In 55 pages of profoundly clueless blather, there are definitely no coupons. And also, if you are hell-bent on eating 55 crack pipes any time soon, just remember, that's about one per page. Plan accordingly.
