I don't mean to needlessly alarm the general public, but I am strongly convinced that having a job is an extremely hazardous profession that, for everyone's safety, should probably be against the law.
In light of this long-awaited and as some insiders are already calling it, "completely asinine and economically crippling" view, after several hours of Playstation I have arrived at the following plan to make the standard workday much less harrowing:
- Take out all of the harrows.
If that doesn't work, then 2. Make employment illegal.
(3. And at the same time, mainly to silence our critics, keep the economy going somehow.)
I admit that I have not thought much about step three of my plan. But I feel that this is where our federal government can step into the picture and, displaying the kind of "can-do" attitude that has made democracy work in this nation for hundreds of years, add to our proposal a number of big words like HENCEFORTH and THEREFORE and WHERETOFORE, all in capital letters. Then possibly launch missiles at New Zealand to distract everyone.
With the help of trained professionals, our proposal could look like this:
- WHERETOFORE at the same THEREFORE, mainly to THEREFORE our WHERETOFORE, keep the economy going HENCEFORTH.
(Note: It has not yet been proven that HENCEFORTH is a bad way for the economy to go.)
Having a job isn't ALL tragedy and horror, however. It is also terror. Luckily for me, this summer I happened to stumble upon a position where they recognized these dangers and suitably rewarded me, to the tune of somewhere in the general vicinity of one hundred dollars per hour! (Actual total: 13.) Can you imagine what would happen if movie stars started earning similar wages? It would be a pay raise for Robert Downey Jr., almost for certain.
This past summer, the internship I held was in New York ("Official State Price: Trinkets"). I worked for a famous colossal super-humongous Investment Bank, which we shall refer to by the generic title of "Law Firm." I am quick to stress again that for my own good, I should not have been able to have this job. I should have been arrested had I even tried. And if the officer said "Sorry sir, just doing my job," I could have arrested him right back! And so on and so forth, until we had both been arrested several thousand times, leaving the New York Yankees no choice but to offer us a spot in their outfield.
Now I know what you are thinking, and that is: "But sir, we are a simple farming peoples, with few needs. We go to sleep before sundown, and rise early each morning to cultivate the land. This is our way of life. Do you have any important rules we should follow to escape danger in corporate employment?"
Important Rule #1: Much of your money is taken away by a man named Fred.
His full name is Fred "R. L." Government. We don't know how he gets into the accounting system, but we do know that if roughly one third of our paycheck is earmarked for him specifically, he had better be spending it on Stealth Bombers.
Important Rule #2: Sometimes you bleed.
Bleeding in the office can occur in a number of ways--paper cuts, malnutrition, wolverines, etc. Which brings us to:
Important Rule #3: Never, under any circumstances, hand an attorney anything with your D.N.A. on it.
Seasoned veterans (or "veterans with oregano") will attempt to avoid such embarrassing instances by making a copy of whichever documents have been bled on, and handing over the new versions instead.
Attorney: Excuse me, is there blood on this document?
Seasoned veteran: No! It is only a copy of blood.
Attorney: Oh.
Important Rule #4: Do not leave a tea bag in a cup of water on your desk, forget about it for just under a week, and then attempt to consume it.
It will taste like you are drinking a tree.
Important Rule #5: Professional people are weird. Also, they take themselves way too seriously. Here is a sample conversation between me, a comedy writer somehow misplaced in an office building, and a big fancy professional firm partner named Arthur F. Scott Wilmsmeyer III:
Arthur: Bring me that report.
Me: When?
Arthur: If at all possible, yesterday.
Me: The laws of nature state that I cannot do that.
Arthur: Oh yeah? Well, the laws of nature are going to wish that they never heard of Arthur F. Scott Wilmsmeyer III!
Laws of Nature: Didn't he write the national anthem?
And so on and so forth. Just look at all of this danger. It is therefore decided: jobs are a public health menace! Which is why, if you vote me into the Senate, I will pass legislation stating that everyone can spend every day not working. And if the economy happens to falter while we are all at the beach, well then, HENCEFORTH I'd personally advocate steering clear of New Zealand.
