Well everyone, it has been four years already. Can you believe it? Who would have imagined. Four long years. Four long, incredible years since they cancelled TV's Growing Pains. Or maybe it has been thirteen long, incredible years. I'm not exactly sure. I stopped keeping track around 1986.
Whatever the case, it certainly has been a long and incredible time period, ending in the word "years". Who doesn't remember the long and incredible episode in which a poor neighborhood tough, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is adopted by the Seaver family, played by Alan Thicke, and then is sent away on a big titanic boat, also played by Alan Thicke, in a shocking dual-role!
One would be hard-pressed to find something more memorable than this. Specifically the part about Leonardo DiCaprio pretending to be poor. Unfortunately I, like many seniors, have recently not had any time whatsoever to ponder Leonardo DiCaprio's financial status. This is owing to the fact that a different menace has been staring us in the face for months now: a phantom menace, promising all-new intrigue, hype, merchandizing, special effects and Jedi Knights. I am referring, of course, to Commencement.
With graduation resting on the horizon for so many members of the Class of 1999, for weeks everyone has been nostalgically reflecting back on what the four-year academic experience in Hanover has meant to them. Everyone should have been doing something else, however-namely, waking up graduation before it is too late! Graduation is not going to do us any good resting on the horizon like that. We need to bring it closer to the Green somehow by the middle of June. Otherwise, the College's choice of a former Senator from Maine as Commencement speaker might seem pointless and boring to everyone involved!
If somebody can wake up ongraduation on time, and I grant you, this is a big IF, then the '99s are out of here after June 13th. Are my fellow seniors really ready to leave, however, without imparting any wisdom unto those with less experience than we have?
The answer to this is undoubtedly a collective "Yes. Get me the hell out of here. Why are you keeping me here and asking me things? I want to leave." Which is why I have personally volunteered to pass on a few very important truths that I have learned over my many years at Dartmouth. Bear in mind, underclassmen, that all of what follows is 100 percent true, and there is absolutely no chance that you will hear any of this anywhere else. So pay attention!
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Godzilla is a food group.
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The physical education department thoroughly enjoys fining people in increments of 50 dollars. "We have no actual expenses, but we'll fine you anyway." This is their motto. It is my view that the entire department be destroyed and replaced with a flower garden. (Right after I take the swim test.)
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It is a very good idea to do schoolwork. Not simply for its own sake, mind you, but also because if you don't, there is a good chance that your professors will call you into their offices and yell at you, which in turn would leave you no choice but to yell back, which in turn would leave the physical education department no choice but to fine you 50 dollars.
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It's easy to spot computer science majors walking around campus. They are usually the ones wearing zero or one trench coat.
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President Wright is extremely agreeable! If you question this at all, just take a look at the following documented conversation between the President and a Typical Student:
"Hey, aren't you President Wright?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to get rid of fraternities?"
"Yes."
"What is 12 divided by three?"
"Absolutely."
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Hanover is a lot bigger than you might think it is. There are four pizza places, and yet the town still has room for two ponds! How do they do that?!
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You CAN find that special someone while still in college. If at first she keeps rejecting you, the trick is to woo her with Chinese Restaurant food until she confuses relief from MSG withdrawal with a feeling of euphoria over seeing you.
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Be sure to take advantage of the lush nature that surrounds us. (Please do not confuse this with "the lush nature of your drunken hallmates".)
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It is clear that in the new Star Wars movie, young Obi-Wan Kenobi has little to no grasp of the force. Why else would he spend the entire movie fighting everyone with nothing more than an aluminum bat? Granted, by the end of the film he has a .412 batting average and 16 home runs, but this does not impede the savage death which befalls him while Trainspotting.
What else have I learned? You don't necessarily have to graduate in just four years; I myself spent a lovely three terms in Brooklyn as part of the Parkhurst FSP. The consequences? Another $5 million in impending P.E. fines and an additional 12 months of practice before I get my B.S. in Philosophy. And I get the sense that there are plenty of investment bankers who wish that they could trade places with me for a year.
Good luck, Class of '99. Dartmouth has provided the ambient music by which we've all lived the past four years of our lives, and it is about time for the music to change, for better or worse. Leaving the College may not be easy. But in the end, life is all about Growing Pains.
