Part of being the intrepid, Clark-Kent- turned-Superman reporter that I am is journalistic integrity and an insatiable thirst for knowledge and truth -- a "nose for news" if you will. But the other, more intangible and much larger part, is luck. Pure luck -- and the ability to make stuff up.
And this weekend, I stepped in a heaping pile of luck. While ambling home from Webster Ave. late Saturday night, I spotted a sheet of paper on the street. Actually, I saw several sheets of paper, but a less inebriated friend assured me that there was only one. So I picked it up and put it in the pocket of whomever's jacket I had taken and crawled back to my dorm.
When I got back to my room, I sat down in complete darkness; the lights were off and I had used up all of my remaining mental energy just figuring out how to unlock my door and therefore had to leave the task of operating the light-switch for some other time.
I took the paper out from my pocket and began to read it (yes, it was pitch-black in the room, so don't quote me on any of this). And like a baby kangaroo suckling at its mother's teat, luck clung to me that night. For the letter (I thought) was in actuality (not really) a transcript of the much-ballyhooed Trustees' meeting this weekend.
OFFICIAL MINUTES FROM MEETING OF DISTANT, UNINFORMED RICH PEOPLE (crossed out and replaced with TRUSTEES OF DARTMOUTH UNIVERSITY (crossed out and replaced with COLLEGE)).
The piece of paper contained all the minutes and the entire transcript of the meetings, but for the sake of space (and since I'm making it all up anyway), I'll just summarize what went on.
The meetings started with a heated debate about why the location had been changed to Dartmouth. One of the Trustees complained about the cost of traveling to Dartmouth "so many times" every "few years." He made a motion that the next meeting be held in "a decade or two" at the original meeting place, Club SuperSex in Montreal. This motion was immediately seconded and passed.
Trustee Kate Stith-Cabranes then made the following announcement: "I hate to say 'I told you so,' but I was right. I can't believe we thought that five principles crap would be enough to get this college to roll over. That's the last time I vote on any major proposals after taking that much Ritalin before meetings."
Her Excellency Jeanne Shaheen, also a Trustee, agreed with Stith-Cabranes, saying, "Yeah. What the (expletive) is up with that? I invested half my savings in The Nugget and those (expletive) kids are still not paying 10 bucks to see films."
The meetings took an abrupt turn for the worse when normally smooth and efficient Trustee Andrew Sigler knocked over a rack of Beast while trying to grind with Stith-Cabranes. The transcript becomes unreadable at this point, most likely because Trustee David Shipler booted all over the secretary.
Trustee Chair Stephen Bosworth was able to regain order by telling all the Trustees to think seriously about the issues at hand. He gave a short speech about the importance of this meeting and how the actions and decisions made in the next few hours would decide the fate of Dartmouth College for decades to follow.
His speech was briefly interrupted when Shipler, in an attempt to deflect the attention from his loud and voluminous booting, told all present at the meeting to "Laugh at Trustee Roman" simply because his real full name is "Stanford Augustus Roman, Jr." and moreover, "Who did his parents think they were kidding when they gave their son such an effete-sounding name?"
When Trustee Barry MacLean suggested that the Trustees, "Get down to business and start the task of implementing the five principles and the proposal," he was loudly booed and taunted. A few of the Trustees threw empty plastic cups at him. "That part hurt the most. One of the cups even hit me in the eye,"
MacLean said.
One Trustee, Nancy Jeton, came to MacLean's defense. "Wait, stop, guys! He's right. For better or for worse, we did make this proposal and now we have to follow through on it. Let's come to a final decision and start devising a method of implementing the five principles." After another chorus of taunts and jeers, the Trustees voted 15-1 in favor of moving forward with their proposal. Jonathan Newcomb was the one dissenting vote, and Bosworth said, "Man, his vote shouldn't even count. He was so wasted he couldn't even open his eyes!"
After five more minutes of deliberating, the Trustees decide to form the Committee for the Implementation of the Proposal. It was also decided that the committee would be comprised of 15 trained chimpanzees sitting at typewriters while wearing Victorian-era dresses. The meetings ended with a rousing singing of the Alma Mater.
