After hearing that the Green Card, a corporation run by former Dartmouth students, is taking over the DASH office, I thought it would be a great idea to see other student-run organizations take over College offices. After several nights of heavy drinking and an organic chemistry lab, I came up with a list of offices that could be taken over by related student groups and run much more efficiently.
Bait and Bullet takes over Safety and Security. A club run by a bunch of guys who own enough guns to take on the Montana Militiamen merges with a bunch of guys who wish they had guns and have to settle with mace and baseball bats. One of the first changes would be to replace the traditional green S&S uniforms with real tree cammo, hunter orange baseball caps and tattoos of woodchucks getting their heads blown off. Skeet shooting on the green would fill in the spot of bicycle registrations. In accordance with the CCAOD, Rebel Roberts would follow the trail of vomit from Webster Avenue to your dorm and register a fatal shot to the head with a .308 Winchester.
Uncommon Threads takes over the Women's Resource Center. What happens when you let a bunch of radical feminists take over the school's source of female knowledge? You get brochures on fascinating subjects such as "Why isn't there a birth control pill for men?", "Why did God create men and why did she make them so damn hairy?", and "She-Ra and her tales of lesbian eroticism." With such a vast improvement in resources for mainstream women here at Dartmouth they may finally reach their goal of making Dartmouth an all-female school.
Cabin and Trail takes over ORL. Don't you think that 100 square-foot double in Ripley is a bit excessive? Do you think the walk to the River is too short? With C&T in charge of housing, there will be no more housing crises as all dorms will be replaced by stone shelters capable of sleeping eight. Those with high priority numbers will be assigned to Moosilauke Lodge and participate in the 50 mile Moosilauke to Hanover challenge everyday before their morning drills. Like your own private bathroom? No problem! You'll get assigned your own private tree stump to wash out all that cous-cous you had for dinner. Facial hair is a must for on-campus housing and remember, no electrical appliances are allowed in the dorms! (Although they will still be wired for cable.)
Phi Tau takes over DDS. Do you like Milque and Cookies? I mean, do you really like Milque and Cookies? With Phi Tau in charge you will be a happy camper. DDS will be completely revamped to offer the best in weird dairy beverages and enormous amounts of baked goods. During each diner's pledge period they will be forced to eat over 20 sheets of Nestle tollhouse and play Magic -- The Gathering for two days straight. Oh yeah, do you really like Milque and Cookies?
Hopefully Dartmouth will take into consideration these proposals and act upon them as quickly as possible. If not, Dartmouth College may become an excessively bloated bureaucracy that overcharges its students ... oh, never mind.
