Heterosexual men are obsessed with lesbians. It's an addiction almost. I think we'll get to the point where lesbianaholic support group meetings will start up. Men will be like, "My name is Pete, and I'm addicted to thinking about lesbians."
Many men don't realize that there's actually a difference between real life lesbians and the lesbians from porn movie plots. Surprisingly enough, most lesbian encounters don't actually occur in the steam room between beautiful teenage Swedish exchange students and their more experienced and incredibly attractive summer camp counselors or blonde-haired flight attendants.
Actually, I did some flying recently. Airlines are getting stingy with those little bags of peanuts they pass out. The flight attendant came by and handed me an individual peanut. I complained, and she said I was lucky. She told me that on some flights, if the passengers are hungry they actually have to pick their own peanuts and bag them themselves. There are a few rows of peanut plants in the third class aisles. It's like a migrant farm hand system -- you're in third class picking peanuts the whole flight.
Eventually airlines are planning to start a fourth class section on flights. You don't even get a seat, they just tow all the fourth class people in a big net dragging outside behind the plane.
I read the newspaper on the flight. I turned to the personal ad section. I'd never answer a personal ad, because I'm always suspicious that the only people in them would be serial killers and ax murders. If you're an ax murderer, it's probably really difficult to meet that special someone when you have to work so many hours a week killing people. "Between the time hacking out and eating people's livers and disposing of the body ... I just can't seem to find the time to go to any bars or clubs and meet someone I can really talk to."
I've always wondered how you actually become a serial killer. Is there an internship program? First you learn to operate the night-vision goggles, then all the various cutting techniques. It's almost like a Sally Struthers home study course... "Get your diploma in these exciting areas: TV Repair, Air Conditioning and Refrigeration, Choosing a Victim, Serial Killing."
I was watching the news, and a killer defended himself by saying that although he'd been found holding the murder weapon, he wasn't actually the killer. He had multiple personalities, and the killer was really one of these other personalities. That's convenient. I actually wouldn't mind having multiple personalities. As long as one of my personalities was some type of cleaning lady or butler. I'd wake up back into my normal personality, and my place would be spotless. I could deal with a little insanity for that.
Getting involved with a multi-personality serial killer is a fear of mine. I've even considered getting a weapon. I'd get a stun gun for self-defense, but I could never trust myself with one. Honestly, I'd be using it all the time. Stunning people ahead of me in line when nobody was looking, BZZT, "Aw man, I don't know what happened. The guy was standing there, and he just collapsed into unconsciousness. I'll just step ahead of him in line though. He wouldn't mind."
Mace could be good, but it reminds me too much of a squirt gun. I don't know if I'd trust anything that reminded me of a squirt gun to stop some 275-pound guy from taking me out permanently. Mace just seems more irritating than actually effective. I'd spray a criminal, and he'd just be annoyed, "Ow, what was that for? You sprayed me in the eyes; you could really hurt someone. That's so annoying; it just really stings." If you're just trying to defend yourself by annoying people, you might as well bring along your mother-in-law everywhere you go. She could nag the criminals until they leave you alone.
I'd buy a gun, except I'd be nervous that the gun would go off accidentally while I was carrying it. That's why martial arts is probably the best defense technique. Nobody is ever in the hospital from a self-inflicted martial art wound, "I was just walking down the street thinking about lesbians and all of a sudden my martial arts went off. I accidentally put myself in a Flying-Fist-of-Beijing hold."