C Says: P, have you read that book "The Rules?"
P Says: Uh huh.
C Says: What did you think of it? Have you ever tried to implement the strategies and guidelines that the book proscribes for securing the ideal mate for life?
P Says: Uh huh.
C Says: Did it work?
P Says: Nope.
C Says: Why not? What happened?
P Says: Well C, it's a long, complicated, and unfortunately sad tale. Do you have time?
C Says: I always have time for you, P.
P Says: Thanks, C. Well, the gist of the first rule that I tried to employ in my life was "Don't call a guy back if he leaves a message. Keep him waiting." So, naturally when I received a blitz from that guy I have been in love with since freshman fall asking me if I would like to take a moonlit stroll followed by champagne and strawberries in his room, I pressed "delete." I kept him waiting, all right. It's been five months now, and I'm still waiting. Why do you think that is, C?
C Says: Well, P, I'm not sure. But, I went to my HB this weekend, and I got that Student Assembly advertisement for the new Dartmouth Interactive Directory. Remember that picture we had taken the other day?
P Says: What picture, C?
C Says: I don't mean to be rude, P, but try to recall registration day when you stood in line for about three hours in 90 degree humidity after being pushed and shoved at the bookstore because you were fighting over the last copy of "Financial Markets, Instrument, and Institutions," and sweat was dripping down your face, and your hair was plastered to your head, and you had to run all the way across campus with 30 hard-covered books so that you could drop them off at your dorm and still make it back for registration before it ended at 4:00? Well, I've seen you look better, P, but unfortunately no one else will, since that's the picture they're using for the DID. Your image at that moment is the one all Dartmouth students will see when they sign on and look you up.
P Says: Oh.
C Says: But anyway, P, back to my point. Obviously, "The Rules" didn't work for you. But I was thinking that maybe this new DID thing is everyone's ticket to finding the perfect mate!
P Says: How so?
C Says: Well, after carefully perusing the pamphlet that we all received in our HB this weekend, what I understand can be done is this: you simply enter key words that accurately describe the person that you are looking for, click on "Search" and then sit back and wait for the wedding bells!
P Says: Oh, that's cool! So if you were looking for someone, C, you would type in "Taller than 5'8", preferably dark, caring, sensitive, understands the importance of space, but at the same time worships the ground that you walk on and would do anything to accommodate your every wish and desire?"
C Says: Yeah, or something like that.
P Says: Wow, the DID seems like a great idea. But, something irks me about it, and I can't quite put my finger on it.
C Says: Do you think it could be that people won't pay attention to anything about you except your, how shall I put it, unfortunate picture?
P Says: Exactly, C. I fear people will skip over the fact that I'm a nature lover, that my favorite food is breadsticks and that I am the only member that has ever been inducted into the secret society that I founded and that they will just focus on that distorted image that lies above my name, when really, there's so much more to me, C.
C Says: I hear you, P. Maybe this is not the answer to everyone's social problems.
P Says: Want to sign on anyway?
C Says: OK.
