Skiing season is once again upon us, and I for one am quite excited. However, several trends this year are beginning to dampen my spirits.
First, the rain we had all last week does not generally promote good skiing conditions. Unfortunately, as you are probably aware, the National Weather Service is predicting a far warmer winter than normal for us, due to the phenomenon of El Nino, which is Spanish for "the Buddha."
Far more depressing than the weather, though, is the alarming rise in celebrity-tree collisions on the slopes. To wit, last year, a grand total of zero famous people died skiing, while both Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono have hit trees in just the past few weeks. Kennedy, by all accounts an expert skier, collided with a fir tree while attempting to catch a football as part of a traditional family game at Aspen.
The American public grieved for a fallen hero. Indeed, people remembered not just the troubled recent months, overshadowed by allegations of statutory rape; they also considered the many positive contributions made by the late fir tree before it was tragically struck down in the prime of its life while dangerously growing on a ski slope.
As Aspen bartender Jeff Williams told Newsweek, "You know, I don't really care if the tree did sleep with that girl. It really worked hard to put all that behind it, and these past couple of months, it's made a huge contribution to humankind, producing oxygen, removing carbon dioxide and so forth."
Largely forgotten in all of the hoopla surrounding the fir tree-Kennedy affair is the tree tragically flattened by the late Sonny Bono. Although it is recovering nicely, the tree lost several small branches and a patch of bark the size and shape of a Republican. Additionally, it is said to be suffering from terrible nightmares wherein representatives on skis scream "Babe! I got you, babe!" and slam into it over and over.
In an effort to prevent any unfortunate occurrences between members of the Dartmouth community and the lovely greenery to be found in the wilds of Vermont and New Hampshire, I have compiled the following list of helpful accident-avoidance tips:
If you are a tree: try to grow somewhere besides Aspen. There are still by all estimates several hundred Kennedys out there.
If you are a person: 1) Your risk of running into a tree will be greatly reduced if you are not simultaneously attempting to golf, fly-fish, skeet shoot, etc.
2) In the eventuality that you do hit a tree, it will hurt much less if you've been heavily drinking.
3) Just as people are always falling asleep behind the wheel, many skiers are undoubtedly dozing off on the slopes. Therefore, in the interest of safety, every time you overtake someone, it is helpful to whack him or her with your pole.
4) You can strap pillows to your torso and behind. You'll still die if you hit a tree but the other skiers will be so entertained they will fall off the chair lift. On second thought, maybe this is not such a good safety tip after all.
Indeed, falling off the chair lift, as you might surmise, is not generally a good idea. I used to know this kid who was not what you would call the patient type. One day when the chair lift stopped near the top of the hill, he got tired of waiting, so he raised the bar and jumped. About 30 feet. He didn't ski much the rest of that day, as I understand it. Also, I think he's in jail now. So the lesson here, I suppose, is that in terms of actually being punished, having sex with a 14 year-old girl is a much better crime than jumping off a chair lift.
Despite all of the collisions and the uncooperative weather we've been having lately, I am still determined that this is going to be a great ski season. That could be because I just shelled out for new parabolic skis and boots three weeks ago. For those who don't ski, parabolics look like regular skis, except they are more hourglass-shaped. Actually, they look like a comically enlarged but somewhat flattened marital aid that has bindings on it. Yep, it's going to be a great season. Hope you enjoy it!
