The Seventies was the decade of Vietnam and free love. The Eighties was the decade of junk bonds, big hair and love for sale. The Nineties will be remembered as the decade of Oprah Winfrey. If Oprah, Jerry Springer, Rikki Lake, Montel Williams, Phil Donahue and others have taught this generation of the television anything, it's that if you aren't a victim, then you aren't really trying. Turning the other cheek has never been as en vogue as it is now and our badges of honor are no longer bestowed upon those that have experienced the most success, but rather upon those that have experienced the most (perceived or actual) suffering.
Since the advent of society, we've been wrong in thinking that the value of human life comes from what one does with one's life. Instead, the value of human life comes from simply being alive and, hence, being victimized. Or so we're told.
The problem with human existence, it seems, is that we don't have a choice about it. We can't be held responsible for the effects our environments have on us because we never signed consent forms. When uncoordinated people slip and fall in supermarkets, the store is liable because it uses unsafe floor wax. The tobacco industry recently admitted that it knowingly has been victimizing smokers for decades. Worldwide, millions of smokers expressed shock at discovering that cigarettes are harmful to their health.
Joan Lunden recently said something along the lines of "looking back on my career, I'm glad I've had the opportunity to make so many people feel good about themselves." That's essentially a euphemism for "I'm glad I've had the opportunity to lead so many people into complacency."
If Homer had the opportunity to temporarily leave Hades and to script a modern version of "The Iliad" -- taking into account this ill-founded high self-esteem -- it would be appropriate if Odysseus packs it in after his first spell of adversity and returns to Ithaca to lick his wounds, safe in the knowledge that his victimhood exonerates him of all further responsibility and verifies his worth.
Lunden tells us that when we accept our defeat at the oppressive hands of pesticides, monosodium glutamate, heredity, and an uncaring society, we should feel good about ourselves. When we've put forth a minimal effort and our desires don't pan out, the blame isn't ours.
So we've convinced ourselves that when we fail we are not at fault and when we succeed it is a perfect example of the triumph of the human spirit: we deserve our success but none of our failure. A man who recently won millions of dollars in a state lottery refused to repay his state government for the few thousands of dollars he had received while on welfare -- his being on welfare was due to 'bad luck' -- claiming that he took a risk when he bought his ticket and he deserved all of this reward.
The Nineties is the decade of waiting for someone to step on your toes and cashing in by litigating to the fullest extent of the law. Several years ago, someone found a screw in a can of Pepsi. Within weeks, Pepsi was faced with dozens of (later proved to be fraudulent) lawsuits claiming personal damage was inflicted by other screws found in their products. The suits and ties at Pepsi handled this opportunity all wrong. They should have advertised it as the 'Punitive Damage Sweepstakes': "Open 12-ounce cans and 2-liter bottles of Pepsi-Cola products to see if you've won! If you find a bolt, you've won the grand prize of $2.7 million plus punitive damages. If you find a lugnut, you've won occupational rehabilitation for two in sunny St. Petersburg, Florida!" The Pepsi would have flown like never before.
My lawyer has informed me that I've been fairly oppressive recently and should lay low. So, I'm watching Rikki, drinking Pepsi and waiting for my ship to come in. I hope that when it does come in, it sinks. That way I can sue the guy who built it.
