Since I'll be graduating soon (such tragedy), I thought I'd present you all with a little wish list: the Top Ten Changes I Would Like to See Happen at this School after I'm Gone. I had all you lovable folks in mind when I wrote it -- this one's for you!
10) Although momentum seems to be going in the direction of the Moose, I would like to see Dartmouth's new mascot be the "CAT Scan." Those of you who've experienced this medical procedure know from whence my enthusiasm doth spring -- CAT Scans are intimidating AND fun, just like an Ivy League championship team should be! I can already imagine our team cheer ... "Dartmouth, Dartmouth, scan their brains! Make them lie down in a strange machine! Plug them full of radiation! Make them drink barium before we win!!!"
9) I would like to see more celebrity speakers come to Dartmouth; in addition, I think we should invite fewer political/academic types. Commencement is the perfect opportunity to display our new loyalty to pop culture. To commemorate twenty-five years of coeducation in Hanover, why not have country music legend Barbara Mandrell come to speak? Of course, I'd prefer she leave her less talented sisters at home, but we can vote on that in a student forum. Anyway, I think Ms. Mandrell would have just the squat-plum advice that we graduating '97s need, desperate as we are for transcendent truth.
Conversely, we could have syndicated television celebrity Lucy Lawless, star of the hit series, "Xena: Warrior Princess." Or perhaps we might invite rising star of the WB network Brandi. Or hip new film sensation Claire Danes?
Adam West, beloved star of TV's original "Batman" series, could receive an honorary degree at next year's Convocation. Funnyman Paul Rodriguez could give a speech in 105 Dartmouth. Even the Review could get involved -- they could sponsor a discussion with well-known Republican and recent heart surgery survivor Arnold Schwarzenegger!
8) I would like to see the entire Rockefeller building complex torn down. Let's face it: the social sciences have worn out their usefulness in these days of space-age technology. In place of the antiquated building, we could erect a series of fast food joints and video arcades. How about a Taco Bell instead of Silsby? We could even combine the two -- all those eager-beaver, pre-corporate, social science types could get hands-on business experience by running start-up Pizza Huts.
7) Dartmouth should abolish the Trustees -- not literally, of course, because that would be murder. Nevertheless, if there's one idea the cheesy, politic prevarication of the Administration has planted in my subconscious over the years, it's that the Trustees are destroying everything good and wholesome in the universe. The Trustees seem to be the only obstacle preventing Dartmouth from becoming a hi-tech, communal, Utopian university. Furthermore, the Trustees are the devils who keep hiking up tuition. I say we replace the Trustees with cardboard cut-outs of fun-loving Winnie the Pooh characters. Even if they continue in their present pattern, how bad can it feel having your tuition raised by Tigger?
6) Since the Hop is already both the social and nutritional nexus of so many Dartmouth students, it needs to develop a little more imagination where both its cuisine and its architecture are concerned. How about painting the walls lavender and fluorescent green to inspire all the burgeoning artists who roam its halls? Or adding an amusement park-style 'Haunted House' feature to the Hinman Boxes, making every attempt to get one's mail a heart-stopping experience?
Furthermore, there needs to be Cordon Bleu every night, and it should be served with meatball subs on the side. The soda machine should dispense Jack Daniels. The chocolate chip square needs to be a cube and weigh at least fourteen more pounds.
Paddock should carry Gwar CD's, and they should be stocked right next to the Scarlatti!
The sculpture studio needs more materials, like lead, titanium and asbestos!
And for crying out loud, the marquee should be in 3-D!
5) A new freshman seminar program, with only three texts as required reading: "Detective Comics: The Death of Robin," "Finnegan's Wake" and "The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day."
4) There should be a new interdisciplinary department of Pessimism Studies.
3) Free balloons at Collis.
2) Even more LSD in the drinking water.
1) We should declare war on UVM.
And then, I think, this would be a truly wonderful college.
