So you want to write a thesis.
Or better yet, you don't want to write a thesis.
Maybe you're wondering, 'Should I write a thesis?'
Hey juniors, '98's, five-year plan '97's, anal-compulsive goal-obsessed freshmen and prospectives:
Are you going to write a thesis?
Maybe you're a Govy or Eccy or Socy or, uh, Geoggy major. You have important things to say about the socio-political ramifications of nascent Middle West-Eastern Subcontinental Realpolitik Manifestos. You also have some professor you genuinely like, or at least genuinely respect, or at least, have had a conversation with on an odd Thursday afternoon sophomore summer.
Maybe you could write a thesis.
Or forget the Social Sciences for a moment (oh, if only ...). Let's say you're an English major, a Comp Lit workhorse, one of the French-Spanish-Japanese-Arabic literati. You've got a profound statement to make! You've got ideas, theories, first- and second-hand sources!
Hey. You should write a thesis.
To heck with the Humanities. You're a scientist, hard-nosed, disciplined, a real kneebiter. You've been assisting your prof in researching Molecular Hamiltonian non-Euclidean Hyperboles. You've been synthesizing methamphetamines and feeding them to rats (or your friends -- it's all good science). You have a fantastic new theory of measurement that one day might help to build bigger and better death machines!
Why don't you write a thesis?
Wait a minute, maybe you hate all that boring, linear thought. You're an artist -- a painter/sculptor/poet/auteur. Lately you've had this recurring dream about a dozen beige monkeys who chase you through your high school. Maybe it could be a multimedia mural!
It'd make a fantastic thesis.
But perhaps you're thinking, 'Sure, I'm creative, intelligent, and highly motivated -- after all, I go to Dartmouth College. But I've heard that writing a thesis can put a lot of pressure on you. I've heard some people crack, they go crazy, man, they just wig out! I'd prefer to keep my squash secure.'
Well sure, there's pressure in doing a thesis. There's pressure in getting married, having children, holding down a job, paying off a mortgage. The world's a pressure cooker, friends, and it's time you jumped in and started to soak with the rest of us. You want to avoid pressure? Go live in Antarctica. The rest of us will be living on Practical Street in Reality Town, just a bus ride away from Puritan Work Ethic-Ville.
'Okay,' you think. 'That's certainly a brilliant point. But even if I do write a thesis, what will I really have to show for it? I mean, how many undergraduate theses get published every year? Basically, will this win me the fame and adoration I've always deserved?'
Like it or not, you're not Tiger Woods, or even Jerry Springer, for that matter. Fame and adoration may never come your way. However, if fame is your sweet destiny, then writing a thesis could be the first step down that glorious path. How are you going to know just what you're capable of deep down in your gut where everything's gooey and twisted if you don't aim for the clouds and reach for the stars?
'Yeah, yeah,' you think. 'Yet another excellent point. But what are some of the more day-to-day applications of the average senior thesis?'
Well, for starters, a completed thesis is a big piece of hardware. Some of those babies can be over one hundred pages long. Take that much paper, have it bound, and you've got one dangerous piece of ballast, let me tell you.
Say you're walking home late at night, and are suddenly assaulted by a guerrilla band of terrorists. How will you defend yourself? I'll tell you how -- you smack 'em upside the head with your big fat thesis!
Ward off potential muggers with your massive thesis! Punish racists and homophobes with a bash of your thesis! Or use it as a missile weapon -- hurl it from afar. Take that, you bad, bad person!
And a thesis is more than just a weapon. Theses make handy paperweights or doorstops. Use your thesis instead of a cement block to prop up your bed.
And theses make great gifts!
Lose weight with your thesis!
Find true love with your thesis!
Make truckloads of money with your God-like thesis!
So what are you waiting for? Act early and you'll get this special bonus: a Senior Fellowship!
Now doesn't that sound like fun?
