With the recent release of the last of the first "Star Wars" movies, "Return of the Jedi," I stopped to think about what I might do if I were a Jedi Knight walking the streets of Hanover. As we all know the Force has a Light and Dark Side. However, I was thinking it must have some side good for personal gain. After all what's the point of swinging through vines with Yoda on your back, if you can't get something? Yoda's gruel certainly does not a reward make. Master Yoda may not be that big, but size matters not. Besides, he's got a pot belly nine hundred years in the making.
So what would I do, with the power of the Force behind me? As I sat the past day in front of the Judge in Lebanon District Court, contesting a traffic violation incurred from two terms past, I knew at least one scenario where the force would be pretty damn useful.
"Did you know you ran a red light back there?" an officer often asks.
"There was no red light at the intersection. It was green. I can go about my business," I could respond.
"There was no red light at the intersection. It was green. You can go about your business. Move along." Cops and Imperial Storm troopers, there's hardly a difference. So cops carry night sticks instead of laser pistols. It matters not to a Jedi.
Not getting traffic tickets would merely be the beginning. Think about waiting at the grill at Food Court, "No, I won't have that hamburger well done. It WILL be medium rare."
"Yes, we always cook our hamburgers medium rare." And thus the grill masters at Food Court might be compelled into serving underburned meat.
But, why stop at Food Court? The force could do wonders for my GPA. I could certainly use a voice only I could hear, giving me advice during my next math test, "Use the Force, Dong." At first I might hesitate for a moment, but Obi-Wan would assure me, "Let go, Dong." I would then be able nail that two-meter math problem as easily as bulls-eyeing womp rats.
My prof might wonder what would induce me to set my calculator aside, and say, "Hey Dong, you turned off your targeting calculator. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm all right," I could calmly answer, knowing Yoda would feed me the answers, "Help you I can. Yes mmm." The beauty of the force is that it wouldn't even be a violation of the Academic Honor Principle. Using the force is like making educated guesses that are never wrong. I haven't read anywhere in the Honor Principle that guessing isn't allowed. Besides, I can't help it just because the Force is strong in my family. No longer would someone telling me, "May the force be with you" before the start of a test be an empty gesture to a doomed individual. At the least, taking finals with my eyes closed would certainly be a neat trick.
And, on those days where lecture just seems to drag, and then drag a dead cat along, i.e. those breakless 10As, a little trick from Vader's book might come in useful.
"In 4th Century before the dawn of pre- post Hellenistic neo-greco-roman device mediation aha ..." The professors voice would falter and cease, all the while I could sit calmly pinching my thumb and forefingers together. I wouldn't kill the professor, that certainly would be a violation of the Academic Honor Principle, but I'm sure he could be induced to let the class go early on account of a case of sudden and unexpected laryngitis. This would not merely be for personal gain, it would be act of good will on my part for the whole class.
Walking back from that class, I could go over to that pretty girl I've had my eye on, and ask for a date: "I am a very powerful Jedi Knight, and you will see Star Wars with me this Friday." She would be powerless. After all there is no try, there is only do, as Yoda would say. Hmm, though by giving in to lust, I might begin my journey down the Dark path. The Dark path must of course be avoided at all costs at risk of going from a bad hair day to having a permanent case of helmet head. I guess being a Jedi Knight does carry some pretty heavy responsibilities. Come to think of it, Luke never got the chicks. Maybe being a Jedi isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
