As I lay sprawled across the coach watching another episode of Rosie O'Donnell in which she proclaims her crush on Tom Cruise for the umpteenth time, my mother walked into the room. Shaking her head at me, she dropped a small paperback book next to my head. "You're wasting your summer break. You should start planning for your future instead of sitting around the house watching TV. I bought you this self-help book so you can start organizing your life."
Me? Organize my life? As I crammed a powdered donut into my mouth, I scratched my belly. I turned off the television and glanced at my own reflection. With white powder falling like snow off my chin, I felt like Homer Simpson -- lazy, gluttonous and disorganized.
I picked up the book and read the title out loud to myself. "S-I-M-P-L-I-F-Y Y-O-U-R L-I-F-E." Written by Elaine St. James, this book supposedly illustrated "100 ways to slow down and enjoy the things that really matter." As I pondered over the contents of the book, I asked myself, "Am I really all that disorganized? More importantly, does anything really matter? I'm going to die one day and I can't take anything with me to heaven." Why bother? I was enjoying life with all the distractions and clutter of modern civilization.
As I flicked off the remnants of powdered sugar off my face, I opened up the book and started reading. Broken down into different categories, St. James listed ways to simplify one's lifestyle, household, finances, career, health, and personal life. I found the chapter on women personally intriguing, especially the passage on how to make oneself drop dead gorgeous in only ten minutes.
Wow ... this book was a dream come true. It was Vogue, People, The Lady's Home Journal, and Yoga Today condensed into one little paperback book. The author suggested everything from learning how to laugh (hmmm ... how taxing) to giving up holidays. That's right, the book suggested that if you don't enjoy the holidays, just "bow out." I didn't quite understand the part in which St. James suggested that one should get rid of the yacht. As a proud owner of an '86 Chevy Nova, I have never even contemplated the idea of owning a yacht. If I ever gained possession of a yacht, I wouldn't know what to do with it. The nearest body of water near my home is a small pond full of rude Canadian geese.
In the health section, St. James encourages everyone to go on a fruit or juice fast one day a week. Uh ... I just can't imagine living off juice for an entire day. That's like chugging down cans of V-8. She also suggests eating bran muffins. I thought bran muffins were an '80s fad that died with spandex bike shorts and Debbie Gibson.
As I got further into the book, I realized that this self-help book was not all that informative. I flipped over to the jacket of the cover and read that the author was some upper-class yuppie who wanted to get over the '80s mentality of materialism and extravagance and move on to the simple things in life.
Don't we all want to reform our lives so we can enjoy life to the fullest? I never seem to have enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to get done. I realize that I should do little things like clean my room, study, drink eight glasses of water, and get rid of call waiting. I don't need some book to tell me how to become more organized. I prefer Henry David Thoreau's highly efficient advice: "Simplify, simplify."
What I really need is more time -- give me 28 hours in a day and I'm set for life. Oh yeah, anyone know where I can purchase a yacht? I figure I can get rid of the yacht afterwards.