The Marvin K. Mooney Award
The start of a new year is obviously a new beginning, but sometimes what is really needed is not so much a beginning as an end. With this in mind, and inspired by Esquire's Dubious Man of the Year issue, I hereby present the candidates for the Overexposed Person of the Year Award (a.k.a. the Marvin K. Mooney award, named for one of Dr. Seuss' most aggravating characters) with a fervent prayer that these people shall disappear from view in 1997. Not only does this give us a chance to say good riddance to these characters who have used considerably more than their 15 minutes, but it also gives me the chance to spew some long pent-up venom. The envelope, please...
It was almost impossible to miss Pamela Anderson (Lee?) in '96. Not only did she streak across the television screen to the delight of millions of Baywatchers each week, she also had the chance to show off her silicon enhanced physique in two movies -- Barb Wire, which stayed firmly at the bottom of the charts, and her own homemade porn movie, also starring ex-husband Tommy Lee. (Which film was worse, I wonder?) Hopefully, with the emergence of new airhead-in-waiting Jenny McCarthy, we will see almost nothing of her in 1997...
Thankfully, Ross Perot has now returned to the mother ship. Despite the long, dreary infomercials, folksy talks on Larry King Live and his own personal fiefdom (a.k.a. the Reform Party), Perot was barely able to garner 5% of the vote. It would not be so bad if he had at least had a message this time around, but all he could deliver were the old chestnuts on barnyard economics and cleanin' up Washington. To make matters worse, he's a businessman -- you would think he'd know enough to stop throwing money into a bottomless hole.
Nevertheless, like the oh-so-overplayed song says...you learn. You learn that even though a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break is more annoying than ironic, no one ever sold a gazillion albums by taking their English teacher's advice. You also learn, after songs from Jagged Little Pill have been played millions of times on every station across the United States, that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. But what it all comes down to is that when you have one hand in your pocket and Alanis on TV, the other hand will reach for the remote.
However, as overexposed as the previous three people were, they paled besides the man who has forever changed the way we feel about orange juice -- the oh-so-infamous Orenthal James Simpson. This worthy individual would probably be conducting a vigilant search for his wife's real killers, were it not for the fact that he spent the year shuttling from courtroom to courtroom, fleeing the press and frantically searching for relatively legitimate sources of income.
However, all is not lost -- we have learned that the real killer had shoes very much like O.J.'s, wore gloves like his, and had the insufferable gall to steal his Bronco and smear the blood of the two victims inside it. Perhaps after O.J. has completed his legal obligations, these clues can help him hunt down the insidious murderer. Meanwhile, with apologies to Dr. Seuss (who would probably have had the good sense to steer clear of this whole affair) I hereby present O.J. with the 1996 Mooney award, and its accompanying citation:
The time has come.
The time is now.
Just go. Go. Go!
I don't care how.
You can go by foot,
You can go by cow;
O.J. Simpson, will you please go now!
You can go on skates,
You can go on skis;
Or e'en by Bronco, if you please.
You can go by bike, if you like.
Or you can go in an old blue shoe;
Just go, go, GO! Just take a hike!
Please do, do, DO! We don't want you!
O.J. Simpson, I don't care how;
O.J. Simpson, will you please go now?
You can go by stilts,
You can go by fish;
You can go in a dumpster, if you wish.
If you wish, you may go in a lunch pail;
Or stamp yourself ... heck, go by mail.
O.J. Simpson, don't you know
The time has come to go, go, GO!
Get on your way!
Come on, O.J!
You can go by balloon,
Or broomstick, or pontoon;
You can go by bumble boat or jet;
I don't care how you go,