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The Dartmouth
February 27, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

What's Written in the Stars

The tabloids are fond of making political predictions every time a President commences a term in office. They usually dig up Jeanne Dixon or some other New Age hack to deliver a simultaneously vague and convoluted assessment of what the stars and planets portend for our political leaders. Therefore, in the grand tradition of The National Enquirer and The World Weekly News, I give you my astrologically-inclined sign-by-sign predictions for the second term of Arkansas' Favorite Womanizer, Bill Clinton.

ARIES: Aries, as many of you may know, is the sign of the Ram, and also the sign of Al Gore, he of the Soylent Green Brain. That old devil Saturn is traversing Aries at this time, and it is from this planetary moniker that we have the word "saturnine," so Al Gore will, of course, be a Gloomy Gus for the next year-and-a-half. Every time Al Gore, or anyone else born in late March or early April, for that matter, gets depressed during this time, it will be because of the influence of Saturn, and not, say, because of depressing circumstances.

See how easy this is?

TAURUS: Louis Farrakhan and Queen Elizabeth are both Tauruses, and we all know how much they have in common. These stubborn, bovine types will benefit from airplane travel (because of that trine from Jupiter, of course). How will they benefit? Well, they will find that airplane travel will allow them to expand their philosophical perspective on life's more nuanced epistemological issues. Also they will find it useful for traveling long distances in a relatively short period of time.

GEMINI: This air sign ruled by Mercury is considered to have domain over the hands, and former President George Bush, a Gemini through-and-through, will find that his hands are kept very busy over the next four years.

CANCER: This is an especially important sign, since it is not only the birthsign of the United States, but also of Sylvester Stallone. Both America and Rambo will have a tough time of it as Jupiter opposes while Saturn squares their natal Sun; therefore, both should avoid spicy foods and any album put out by the Jesus & Mary Chain.

LEO: This royal sign, the King of the Zodiac, is also the birthsign of Bill Clinton himself, but more importantly, it is the birthsign of Tipper Gore. Tipper may want to consider taking up Zen Buddhism, or possibly snowboarding -- the stars are unclear. Once upon a time Tipper was a member of an all-female rock band, and I predict that in 1997, with Uranus and Neptune opposing her sign, she will go on a worldwide reunion tour. All of the proceeds of said tour will, obviously, benefit her pet cause of rock n' roll censorship.

VIRGO: Virgo is the least interesting sign in the Zodiac, so as usual, nothing interesting will happen to any of them over the next four years.

LIBRA: Jesse Helms, that most pugnacious of Libras, will finally embrace his true cultural heritage come 1998, and officially don a Ku Klux Klan uniform for all Senate hearings.

SCORPIO: Ralph Nader is a Scorpio, and although his 1996 Presidential bid only earned him .60 percent of the popular vote, by 1997 a thorough tallying of all the votes will be complete, and it will be revealed that he actually earned .80 percent, thereby changing nothing in his life.

SAGITTARIUS: All Sagittarians will have become Scorpios by June of 1998.

CAPRICORN: Joseph Stalin was a Capricorn; so was Martin Luther King. Therefore, all Capricorns will find romance with a new love by May of next year, even the ones who are already married.

AQUARIUS: Much upheaval will occur in the life of George Stephanopolous (well-known Aquarius and Washington swinger). Most of this upheaval will be of the purple kind.

PISCES: Ah, Pisces. Not only were Chelsea Clinton, Michael Eisner, and Mikhail Gorbachev all born under the sign of the Fish, but I myself was as well, and it looks like a good year for all of us. It is only because Pluto is squaring my Sun that I had to write this column -- I have no free will of my own. Over the next year this difficult aspect from Pluto will force me to write many more cynical, mean-spirited editorials. I wish this was not the case, but, well, it's written in the stars.

So there you have it. Pretty nifty, huh? Or pretty idiotic, depending on your point of view.

Who can say? Only the stars know for sure.