"What do I want to do with my life? Funny you should bring that up. I have every course for the next eight terms at Dartmouth entirely planned such that upon graduating with degrees in both the toxicology of cyanobacteria and the sociology of lower invertebrates, I can accept the job already offered to me as a head research assistant in a laboratory in Guam. The Nobel prize committee is keeping tabs on me. Did I mention I'm only a '00? Oh but that's nothing really, you must have big plans yourself! What do you want to do?"
People like that frighten me.
What do I want to be when I grow up? What do I want to wear tomorrow?! Yes, it's the sophomore life crisis right on cue. I smirked last year as the '98s developed nervous twitches while deciding their majors. I watched in astonishment as graduating '96s left Dartmouth without career plans. I experienced "invincible freshmen syndrome" as well as anyone. I had a major and a career plan... until suddenly it all vanished into a big murky puddle of uncertainty. And it wasn't until then that I realized that it isn't an admission of failure in life to be a sophomore, or even a junior or senior in college, and not be following a trail of bread crumbs straight to the epitome of jobness.
Having life goals is certainly commendable, but the goal of "working hard and finding a job that suits me" is as much an appropriate goal, or even more fitting for this time of life, as saying, "I want to be the U.S. ambassador to Fiji." I strongly doubt the Fijian ambassador had that career in mind at age twenty.
Despite the fact that most of us can't predict where we'll end up in life, it doesn't stop people from asking. And to those goal-oriented mavens bent on forcing us to pinpoint our futures right now, I offer the following canned responses that are sure to leave them laughing. They've worked for me, and they can work for you:
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"I'm going to write the little papers that go inside fortune cookies." Here's a job that combines both creative writing and a philosophical view of life. Anyone can read stock market quotes, but how many people can crank out hundreds of aphorisms like "Age can never hope to win you while your heart is young," and "We must not become complacent over any success"? This job requires a highly perceptive individual with a gift for writing universally applicable cheese. Like a columnist for The D ...
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"I hope someday to be a florist." Put that degree in biology to real use! Florists need an eye for style and color, but more than that, they need to understand the psychology behind the use of herbaceous dicots to create a mood. While one doesn't need a college degree to be a florist, spending a hundred thousand dollars on those vital psychology classes will give you that extra edge you need to be not just any florist, but world famous florist to the stars, a leader in your field.
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"I'm returning to my childhood dream. I'm going to be a princess." Viva la regression! Sure you might have to spend years and millions of dollars to revolve in the social circles of bachelor princes, but it is a noble ideal to return to the principles of your youth, the convictions your moral fabric is based on. And in this case, your college major is entirely irrelevant. Deciding your major will be that much easier.
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"I'm going to be a creative director for the accessory incentive items for Borden Foods." In other words, "I'm going to design Cracker Jack prizes." Not everyone has the creative flair combined with a healthy sense of juvenile whimsy to spontaneously create tattoos of roosters or a series of stickers devoted to pictures of mice eating Cracker Jacks. It is a job for the only the truly gifted. Who says a studio art degree translates into the life of a starving artist? You really can be both artistically and capitalistically minded.
Am I merely a bitter and confused sophomore? You bet! But hours of worry have made me realize that even if you don't know where you're going, you can have a sense of humor about it. You can spend hours nail biting over the future, or you can do the homework that's due tomorrow. Every princess needs to do her homework.