If you have something you think people are willing to buy, your best marketing tool is an infomercial. These half-hour documercials have a way of sucking you in, grabbing your attention and not letting go until 30 minutes later. Meanwhile, you are searching for your credit card and trying to decide if it is worth it to add another $38 (including shipping and handling) to your already overdrawn credit limit.
There's Evel Knevel's vitamins and nutritional drinks, the Ab-Roller -- stomach crunches for the lazy -- and the food dehydrator, used specifically for jerky by more than 50 percent of the people who buy it. (I never knew jerky was that popular, but I guess Randy "Macho Man" Savage must be doing something right.)
I've watched them all, and they are good the first four or five times, but then they start to get repetitive. For my television viewing satisfaction, nothing beats the ad for the Banjo Minnow.
An early Sunday morning regular, the Banjo Minnow contains scientifically designed fishing lures that causes the bass or trout -- even if they aren't hungry -- to bite the lure. You see, as the fishing expert explains on the program, the fish are genetically programmed to go after an injured, flailing fish, and the Banjo Minnow perfectly imitates this action.
But this past Sunday I caught a new infomercial that, according to its host Jim Lehrer, is playing on a limited engagement only. Since I have to watch an infomercial several times to catch all its subtleties, I figured I can't miss this new one.
The product is something called the presidency. That sounds interesting enough, but what really caught my attention was that two different brands -- Democrats and Republicans -- were on the same infomercial. That's like Converse and Reebok advertising on the same billboard.
And if I wasn't paying attention to the infomercial, I would have thought each spokesman represented those respective athletic shoe companies.
Bob Dole, the Republican spokesman, seems just like Converse's Chuck Taylor All-Stars. A simple, practical shoe, the All-Stars have been around for several decades, but this year they have been totally redesigned to compete with other, more popular shoes by different companies. Bob Dole, a supply-side opponent all his career on Capital Hill, found himself lagging in the popular polls, and decided a 15 percent tax cut, despite the infeasibility, could boost his sales.
The Democratic spokesman, Bill Clinton, has modeled himself after Reebok. He's declaring that the Democrats temporarily lost their focus and are waging a war to become number one again, much like Reebok's desire to reclaim the market they once dominated. Clinton knows the United States is his country, and if he can regain control of the Middle East, it may be his planet too.
Well, all the big hubbub about this infomercial or in fancy terms, debate, surely did not live up to its hype.
What I found funny was that the infomercial made a big deal about being live. We would be able to see examples and explanations of these brands in plain speak. No fancy camera tricks or second take if a spokesman made a faux pas.
What the producers failed to tell the audience, however, was that these spokesmen practiced every answer to every possible question before they went on the air. In fact, because the brands are at war with each other, each used another person to act as the other spokesman. Dole had the unfair advantage of using an actor, Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson (of "Cape Fear" fame), while the Democratic spokesman, Bill Clinton, could only use the former Senator of Maine, George Mitchell.
And it seemed that during these rehearsals, the spokesmen didn't really polish up on their own products, but instead knew every little detail of their opponents' brand. Along with facts and figures, the spokemen spewed allegations and accusations.
But then again, I can't complain because I found out it doesn't even cost anything to purchase either the Democrats or Republicans. (Partly because each brand could not guarantee their promises, but mostly because many moons ago, following the granite state's motto, "Tax free or die," the voting tax was eliminated.) Those familiar with Dartmouth know nothing is really free, so this seems like a great bargain. All one has to do is register to vote, and then vote.
Unfortunately, most Americans aren't interested in the latest infomercials about the presidency. On the first Tuesday of November, they'll just sit at home with their Nikes, calling the Psychic Network's phone number to figure out if their future will be better if they purchase the Ab-Roller or the Banjo Minnow.
