Has anyone else been wondering who the graduation speaker is going to be this June? Isn't it about time we found out? What are they waiting for? Last year at this time we knew it was going to be President Clinton. That's a hard one to beat, so maybe that's why they're taking so long to find someone.
Chances are they won't pick another white, male politician. After all, that's all they've had for the past few years. But maybe nobody other than white, male politicians wants to come to Dartmouth. So maybe that's why they're taking so long to find someone.
Personally, I would like a celebrity. Something along the lines of the sexiest man of the year -- Brad Pitt. That way if the speech were bad, at least all eyes would remain on the podium. And since Brad Pitt dropped out of school to become an actor, he would probably be psyched to get an honorary diploma from an Ivy League School like Dartmouth.
But what about the male graduates? Maybe they want a speech from a sexy woman? How about Sandra Bullock? Her speech could be called "Why I Make $8 Million a Flick Being Famous and You Will Make $18,000 a Year Crunching Numbers at a Weenie Consulting Firm: The Myth of Higher Education As We Approach the Millennium."
It's too bad we all know that neither Brad Pitt nor Sandra Bullock are going to be coming to Hanover this June. Come on, do you really think we'd be having graduation on the Green if someone that famous were coming?
So whose it going to be? Maybe Professor Dale Eickelman could call up his childhood buddy Theodore Kaczynski a.k.a the Unabomber and see if he'll make a speech. That would probably draw a curious crowd (if they kept him handcuffed on the stage). Chances are Harvard will snag him though. After all, he is an alum there.
Or maybe there should be a speaker from the British Royal Family? Word has it that Princess Di may be needing a little dough after she and Prince Charles settle up their divorce. Somehow though, I doubt that Princess Di would want to come to Hanover. I mean, get real! The Gap isn't exactly Chanel or Yves St. Laurent, you know.
Kathie Lee Gifford might come up and make a speech -- if the admissions office promised little Cody a place in the class of 2017. Or how about Oprah? She'd be a good choice: she's female, a minority, and overweight in a society that doesn't give equal respect to fat people. That would be good, triple marginalization!
We could have Shannon Faulkner speak at graduation. Her speech could be called "And You Thought Frat Boys Were Bad: Citadel Boys Are Badder." Or we could have Jack Lord explain how his hair stays in place in Hawaii's humid climate. Speaking of humid climates, how about Pamela Anderson from Baywatch? Her speech, "Breast Implants: Why They Don't Shake When I Run Down the Beach."
Hopefully, from all of these suggestions, the administration can get to work on finding us an entertaining speaker for graduation. I await their announcement with utmost anticipation.
