Registration, what a pain! Everybody lines up three hours before it even begins, just to sign up for some Miniversity class like ballroom dancing or healthy cooking, only to find out three days later that they have Orgo lab and can't even take the class.
And, of course, they have to fill out 6 million forms to get a refund. Oh, the joys of bureaucracy.
You sign the card and the Safety and Security officer lets you into Alumni Hall. Whoopie, let the fun begin! How about a Dartmouth Film Society pass? Come on, you don't want to see "Il Postino" for the 15th time? You buy the pass anyway, even though most of the movies that look appealing are shown on Sunday nights when you are usually catching up on all the work you didn't do during the weekend.
You amble over to the DartNews table. Now here's a bargain. How about the New York Times? For $23 a term, you can put a sign on your door that says you get the paper Monday through Friday. And maybe you'll get it once on Monday and once on Friday during the whole 10 weeks. Whoopie!
And what about those enticing Miniversity classes? There are so many to choose from! You decide on wine tasting, beer brewing and bartending -- all clearly necessary for post-Dartmouth social life. And then you round out the week with massage and yoga classes. Gee, aren't we getting a little busy here? You think about dropping your three academic classes: Govy, Eccy and Bio -- that way you have time to practice sniffing wine aromas and mixing exotic drinks for your friends.
Finally, you see a big line at the back of the room. It must be a concert. Definitely worth checking out, especially since you can charge it to your ID. Remember last term, they had Run DMC -- until Run DMC decided not to come. Oh well, this term they'll probably have somebody good; that line sure looks long. When you get to the front of the line, you see that it actually isn't a concert.
It's "Collis Reservations" -- the people in Collis have decided to charge for the use of the tables as well as the use of the hot water cups. You put your name down for a table at Collis every Wednesday at 12:30. After all you can charge it to your ID.
You skim over the rest of the tables. Volunteer work? Nah, maybe next term. You don't have a car, so there's no need to get a parking sticker. What about The Dartmouth? Well, you can usually get one out of the recycling bins at the Hop, so why spend the dough?
As you make your way out the door, feeling beaten and battle-scarred by all the chaos, you notice that there are no friendly Student Assembly people passing out free goody bags. Are you kidding? You went through all this and don't get anything? That's like going to a birthday party where there aren't any party favors! Who needs this?
And it's not over yet! Time to go to the Dartmouth Bookstore for another round of frustrating lines, chaos and turmoil as you search for the wine tasting textbook in a sea of fellow Dartmouth students ready for the fun and excitement of Spring term to begin.
