Sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane guy in this zany, topsy turvy world. What makes me feel this way is art and everything that has to do with the interpretation and creation of modern art.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not what you call an art guy. In fact, I may be the antithesis of the artistic type. But I will admit that some art is okay. Some guys try really hard to make their art look good. I mean, I was in this art history class and there were actually some things that looked pretty neat! But what really boils my potato is the junk referred to as modern "art".
I was pretty surprised the day we started modern art. It was the same day I realized my little brother could become the best artist ever. Why you ask? Because the garbage that was on the slide in class was RIDICULOUS! I guarantee you that an 11 year old with a crayon could do the same work as these modern "artists".
There was stuff that just had a bunch of colored stripes. I was like "are you serious?" And the guy could have at least made the stripes nice colors, but these babies were vintage seventies polyester T-shirt stripes. You know what I'm talking about? The kind of shirt you wore when you were two with your brown corduroy pants, Dynamo Kids brown shoes, and tainted see through visor. It was really sad. And the worse was knowing that people pay lots of money for paintings like that and call it "beautiful interpretive fru-fru art"!! This was not the only travesty, or violation, if you will, of common sense.
There was this other guy called Rothko and he really made my stomach turn. Personally, I think he n'est pas a genius, but I'll let you decide for yourself. This guy said "you don't even need pictures in art, COLORS say enough!" So what does he do? He paints these blocks of color on this background of another color and says "Tada! Here is some art!" Some art critic was feeling saucy and asked him, "Mark, what does this painting mean?!" Mark replied indignantly "If you stand in front of it for forty minutes and start crying then you will have found its meaning." Yeah right! I would be crying all right, for the sucker who spent a million dollars buying a painting called "Cream, chartreuse and puce on excrement colored background".
I still think these previous couple of examples weren't the grossest misuse of the word art. That title goes to the one and only Jackson Pollock. This guy was trying to explore the "randomness" of life through his art. He did this by just throwing paint down on the canvas. WOW! What talent. And the worst is hearing the "art guys" try and explain his "work".
There is this one piece where he just throws down these black lines and it is called "Image of a man number 3" Do you know why? Because out of RANDOMNESS has emerged: the figure of a man! (I'm making the imaginary shoveling motion.) The thing looks like those blot tests they give you at the shrinks. It reminded me of when they were testing me for mental stability and I was like: "Yep, its Batman. Yep, that one's Batman too."
I saw modern art in person this summer when my friend dragged me to the Philadelphia Museum of Art this summer to get "cultured". There was an all white painting that prompted the "What the hell is this? Polar bear in the snow?" response. After making fun of art for 50 minutes she told me I was an uneducated boob. Well, now I've taken an art class and I STILL say the stuff stinks. I think as a society we can no longer trust the Council of Regular Art People, or the C.R.A.P school for short, to determine what is or isn't art. Normal people like you and me should stand up and proclaim "Enough is enough! This stuff stinks!" If not, I'm afraid that one day somebody will be getting a drink at the museum fountain and be like "Ooooh, new art! I call it 'fountainbleu on floor' Starting price: A million dollars!"
