The presidential primaries are here. Is it my imagination or has the race for the president become a joke? You would think that our country would take the presidential race seriously. I mean, this is the most powerful office in the world. The president controls the fiercest army, directs the most powerful country and basically has a say in every major decision made around the world every day. It is a job with a lot of responsibility, and yet it seems that every four years the majority of men running for president are jokers.
Taking a look at the so-called front runners in the battle for the Republican nomination reveals the dismal quality of candidates running for the presidency. Bob Dole is old, and not very inspirational as a leader. Sure he has an impressive past and was a war hero, but he has been in public office for thirty two years already. What else is there for him to do that he has not done in the past three decades? Then there's Steve Forbes. Are you kidding me? This guy runs a magazine and thus thinks he is qualified to be president of the United States? He spends a ridiculous amount of money and cannot even win a caucus in Iowa! He spends millions of dollars on negative campaigning on TV in order to garner a paltry ten thousand votes. They figured it out on the news and it turns out that he spent $450 per vote. Four hundred and fifty dollars! He should stop advertising and just give me the money, because if he can't win spending that much money per vote, then he should get the simple message people are saying: We don't like you.
Those aren't the only two. How about Lamar Alexander? Can you imagine him as president? I can just picture him as president in some high level meeting with Boris Yeltsin. "Hey Boris, you spilled your Vodka on my plaid shirt. Now I'll have to put on another one. I used to grow corn in Tennessee." Then there is Morry Taylor. I keep seeing this guy on TV and he's like "We're gonna WIN this thing!" Hello? If I kept looking at polls that said I couldn't get more than one percent of the vote ever, I would be pretty depressed. But he shouldn't get too depressed because he does have a snazzy slogan! "I am a doer not a talker." Listen pal, the only thing you should "do" is stop wasting air time with your boring commercials!
The problem is that there is not really anything better on the Democratic side. The tag team presidency of Bill and Hillary has been an embarrassment. I cannot imagine a more inept president when it comes to foreign policy. This should be the golden age of U.S. hegemony in a post cold war world. Instead, we flounder about with no clear direction. But at least Al Gore is an energetic sparkplug, igniting a fire in Washington. Yes, and Third Rock from the Sun is a fantastic new comedy.
Another travesty of the presidential race has been in some of the commercials I've seen. There are these Nike commercials proclaiming that people should vote for Ken Griffey Jr. in 1996. He makes eight million a year, can hit lots of homeruns in a strike shortened season and can make acrobatic leaping catches; of COURSE he would be a great president! But, far and away the greatest presidential candidate has to be Richard Skillen MD. This guy is some local doctor who is "running" for the presidency. In the commercial, which looks like it was made by a high school kid with a video camera, features Rich sitting in this chair saying how great he is. And then at the end, this heinous blue screen pops up with his name on it in big white block letters. This commercial makes me sad because it proves just how low the position of president has become. When local doctors are advertising their bid for the throne of the world, you know you're in trouble.
Instead of trying to choose the least worst candidate, I think we should write in a candidate. If politicians are not going to give voters serious candidates, I say we should all write in Richard Simmons for president. He would be a hilarious president. I mean he would be the candidate who doles out the most hugs. Our country could say "Farewell to Fat" when he instituted a national weight loss/self esteem program. And best of all, he would bring those skimpy red shorts that people wore in the eighties back in style! Now there's a presidential possibility.
