Dartmouth students can easily be divided into two types: those who are high maintenance and those who are low maintenance.
First there's the "High Maintenance Dartmouth Man." You are probably wondering how anyone at Dartmouth could be high maintenance, man or woman. After all, Hanover doesn't even have a major department store like Bergdorf's or Barney's in which high maintenance types can exercise their high maintenance desires. Trust me, though, these types still exist.
There are a few key questions one should ask when trying to identify the High Maintenance Man. Where does he get his haircut? If he answers, "the Theta Delt basement" or even "Walt and Ernie's," he's definitely low maintenance. However, if he tells you he's a "Hilde's man," or if he is on a first name basis with the ladies at "Makin Waves," he comes from high maintenance stock.
What does this mean? The High Maintenance Man cares a lot about appearance -- both his and the women he dates. He spends a lot of time in the bathroom, has a collection of hair-care products worth more than some people's wardrobes, and will admit that he uses the glass entrance doors to the Hop as a mirror on his way to lunch.
Hair is also essential in the identification of the "High Maintenance Woman" at Dartmouth -- she is not your average "wash and go gal" -- in fact this woman may even refuse to get her haircut in the Upper Valley. Chances are, this year she's sporting a variation of the "Friends" haircut, you know, the layered look worn by Monica and Rachel. And like the High Maintenance Man, the High Maintenance Woman also has her fair share of what she considers "essential products." In fact, this woman's bathroom often bears a striking resemblance to aisle three at K Mart -- the health and beauty aisle.
If you still aren't sure how to identify a High Maintenance female, here are a few more clues: This type of woman never wears sweat pants to class, not even the supercool, green, nylon "swishy" pants that people on sports teams have. The High Maintenance woman only wears her sweats to the gym and underneath them she has on something stylish and definitely spandex. She always wears lipstick, even to workout or take an exam.
But because Hanover isn't the most cosmopolitan of locations, the number of High Maintenance types at Dartmouth isn't as concentrated as it might be at an urban institution. One must also consider the conversion/adaptation factor. Many people arrive at Dartmouth as High Maintenance Types and either by peer pressure or resignation, become lower maintenance versions of their former selves, throwing out the hair spray and mousse somewhere along the trail on their freshman trips. Often these converts are from other parts of the country, for example Texas, where the High Maintenance look is more commonplace.
If none of this sounds familiar to you, you are probably a "Low Maintenance" type. You have an underwear supply large enough to guarantee that you won't have to do laundry between terms and when you get up in the morning you reach for the nearest article of clothing to put on -- probably the jeans and fuzzy Patagonia jacket you were wearing the day before. And while the average High Maintenance person has a pair of shoes for every occasion (formals, job interviews, dollar drafts at Murphy's etc.), Low Maintenance Dartmouth students find that hiking boots serve a universal purpose.
For all Low Maintenance Types, man or woman, showering is optional on weekday mornings. After all, who are you trying to impress -- your professors? And when Low Maintenance Person does shower, any shampoo will do -- even the kind from cheap motels. Low Maintenance women don't wear much makeup, unless you count lip balm -- usually carmex or the medicated stuff they gave out for free at registration.
Basically, Low Maintenance types are practical and not worried about making an impression. One exception to this is Corporate Recruiting season -- watch out for your Low Maintenance friends trying to do the suit and briefcase look.
As Valentine's Day approaches, here's my advice to all: Whichever type you are, look for romance within your own Maintenance category -- at least if you're looking for long term results.
