This campaign is slowly drifting toward election fever as the Student Assembly candidates are preparing to begin their campaigns. As of now the candidates for SA President include three juniors: Jim Rich, Brandon del Pozo and Phil Ferrera.
Each prospective officer has made public his vision of what the beloved Big Green should represent. Each candidate will no doubt kiss a few babies, verbalize some rhetoric and lobby for campus-wide support. Each will call for a more unified Dartmouth, a Utopian community where everyone can blitz and make a difference
Well, as I sit in my Topliff single, I realize that I too want to ensure that Dartmouth thrives in the upcoming year. I wouldn't want my alma mater to lose any of its widespread appeal. And I assure you, I'll be close by to ensure that does not happen.
You see, for the upcoming fall, I'll be crashing somewhere in town, delivering foodstuffs for RoadRunner Delivery. That's if they believe all the neat stuff I wrote in my newfangled resume. Yet even while I will be carrying out such a hefty employment responsibility, I wholeheartedly believe that I can also effectively represent the interests of the students of Dartmouth. I could be the voice of experience. Him. That guy.
You got it. I could be your next SA President. The dark horse candidate. The Ross Perot of Dartmouth. Heck, I can come up with analogies that include such phrases as smellier than a horse's behind and flatter than a Harry's Truck Stop flapjack. But that's not all. Here's my proposed agenda:
1) Deaner's Housing Changes: full-sized double-beds in every room; guaranteed re-draw of housing priority numbers until everybody gets the New Dorms; free cable for every man, woman and child; kegs hard-wired to every dorm; all light switches will be hooked to the Clapper; fresh mints left on pillows each and every morning.
2) Deaner's Academic Changes: I will ensure that the median grades of all courses equal or exceed those of the Music Department; there will be a random citation drawing at the conclusion of every course; if you can spell your name, you're Summa Cum Laude material; all drills conducted in English in the late afternoon; read my lips -- no more Student Assembly Course guides; the physical education requirement can be met by funneling, playing beer pong, rushing the football field during Homecoming and walking up the hill from the River.
3) Miscellaneous Proposals: The campus police will now pay you $50 every time you park illegally on campus; Free fluorescent "glow-in-the-dark" condoms at Dick's House; President Freedman's house will be torn down and replaced by a student and faculty parking lot; there will be Rice-Krispie treats in Food Court every single day of the week; I will hire Chuck Woolery to preside over a new Friday and Saturday night Dartmouth Dating Service; three words -- Import Snow Sculpture.
Finally, if elected, I will curb political correctness, racism, sexism, communism, fascism, totalitarianism, statism, anti-intellectualism,utilitarianism, antidisestablish-mentarianism and "that guy who won't shut up in your government classism".
It's such a shame that my name won't be on the ballot come election day, but at least you now know what I would do to make Dartmouth College a kinder, gentler, Ivy League institution.
