Now that I have been elected to the Student Assembly, I can only assume that with my position comes a staggering power and a weighty responsibility - at any moment I could be called upon to impeach Danielle Moore '95 or boycott a cafeteria.
Because of this, I have done much thinking about the issues that affect us, and for the benefit of my constituents - those six guys who have rifled through the recycling bin at the Hop for a D and are reading this as we speak - I present a clip-and-save version of my stance on the issues:
Freshman dorms: This is a great idea. I recommend the River, the Choates and the Lodge. I recommend we enact this housing program as soon as possible. I expect widespread upper-class support accompanied by a drop in the supply of UGAs.
Alcohol: It has many uses, including sterilizing infected cuts. As for beer, if you read the ingredients, we're actually drinking liquid bread. That makes it a food group. I can go with that.
The Gap Downtown: Just think of the employment possibilities. It'll be Dartmouth's only franchise management school with the fringe benefit of readily available chinos in five colors.
Marijuana: It's bad for short term memory and stunts testosterone production. I depend on those things; sometimes both at once. Thumbs down.
The Meal Plan Task Force: It sounds scary. If it's a task force, lets send it to Bosnia and see what happens. I hope it's more effective than the task force we sent to Somalia. Does Dartmouth really need something that combines the phrase "task force" with the concept of food? Geez.
The Reserve Officers' Training Corps: Kick it off campus NOW! Just kidding.
Marijuana: Did I address this yet?
Campus Expansion: Double the campus = double the greens = double the sexy sunbathers. Clearly, it's the Doublemint concept at work. Besides, admit it: you miss those guys from Pizzagalli Construction Inc., don't you?
Greek life: Everyone could use a little Plato in their lives now and then.
The Greek system: The Greeks had some very good systems. A good political system, a good educational system and while they had a good social system, we could spare ourselves the togas. In general, I like Greek systems.
The Dirt Cowboy Cafe: The name alone violates the health code.
Amarna: This group could do much for its image if it changed its name to "Armani."
The weather: The Army's Cold Regions Research and Engineering Lab is just up the road for a reason ... I'm against changing the weather, though, because it would discriminate against those who are refrigerator impaired.
With this column taped to your fridge or your window or whatever you use to keep your beverages cold, you'll know that regardless of what issues are discussed in the SA, you'll need only to check this handy listing to determine how at least one member will vote.
