New Hours Who Dis: How to Survive the Weekends Without KAF

By Marguerite Irefin | 9/26/17 9:24am

KAF is closed on the weekends. If you're a ’21 or someone who just doesn’t love themselves, this might not mean much to you, but if you value your life (and your chocolate milk), this term has probably been pretty devastating so far. Yes, you still get to enjoy the little pleasures in life, like those last sips of raspberry lemonade or waiting in line until your third son’s graduation just to find out they’re out of all acceptable lunch foods, but there’s nothing like the hungover morning pilgrimage to KAF for a chocolate milk with 40 shots to get through the Sunday scaries. I have yet to find the formal petition to reopen KAF, so until that glorious day comes, here are a few ways to survive the weekend without your caffeine, flaky pastries or dignity.

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Go to Foco brunch: Now I know what you're thinking, what kind of dumb idea is that? If you frequent KAF on the weekends, you probably enjoy the finer things in life and haven’t used a meal swipe since you were on the 20. Unfortunately for you, if you’re looking for baked goods you’ll have to settle for a Foco cookie and a stale Danish (yeah, I said it).

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Make the pilgrimage to Big KAF: Getting to the KAF store in Norwich will require a car, a Zipcar, a bike or a lot of free time. If you're hungover and have a lot of work to do, the time commitment might be too much, or just enough to promote procrastination. You can finally have all of your KAF favorites with a little bit of added ambiance, but don’t forget to file a formal complaint about Dartmouth KAF hours. While you’re at it, please ask why the hell they thought it was a good idea to change the New England salad dressing to something equally as bitter as all the frat daddies after Article 9 got shot down (#RIPAD). 

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Try to recreate your KAF favorites: If your patronus is Gordon Ramsey, this is the best alternative for you. You’ll have to take an off-term to study the fine art of cooking in Europe, but at least you’ll be able to make all the scones you desire. If you don’t have time for all of that, buy a couple pounds of brie cheese and throw it on a baguette. If you're doing it right, $50 of DBA should magically disappear from your account. 

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Drop stacks: If you're a die hard KAF addict, you should probably call the addiction hotline at 1-800-phil-definitely-had-something-to-do-with-this-i-refuse-to-go-to-the-cube-the-patriarchy-will-fall. After they tell you there’s nothing they can do to help you, it’s time to call in the big guns. Bribe the head baker at Big KAF to come live with you and cook for you, buy a $3,000 coffee machine and import all your ingredients in fresh from heaven (aka wherever DDS doesn’t get their supply). You’ll definitely spend more on this mission than tuition, but tuition is worthless without weekend KAF so technically you're saving money. 

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Brave Novack: Sometimes life is hard and you just need caffeine, no matter where it comes from. If you lift, then I would recommend getting in your daily iron pump trying to open the Starbucks door, but who really has time for all of that? Novack coffee will probably make you question if you should see your primary care physician afterwards. They now have a ~latte machine~ but it’s about as reliable as the McDonald’s ice cream machine. Ice Caps or Dunkin Donuts coffee are your best bets, but you might be better off using other substances if you truly enjoy the shakes and an alarmingly fast heart rate.  

I think the biggest take away from all of this is the fact that a lack of weekend KAF and these shortened hours are actually ruining entire lives. Substitutes allow us to survive, but 17F should be about thriving. If you want to restore order on campus, contact your local barista and/or congressman and let them know what the people really want, what they really need. Weekend KAF will ride once more, and we shall soon see the promised land of negative DBA. 

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Marguerite Irefin