Texts From Last Night: Homecoming 2016 Edition

By Grace Miller | 10/31/16 11:30am

Dear old Dartmouth, set a watch, lest the old traditions fail. What is a more time-honored tradition than opening up your phone over Homecoming and jamming your fingers into the keyboard for long enough to send out the poetry that is a drunk text message? Another tradition: Dartbeat reminding you that a hangover is temporary, but drunk texts are forever. Here are your best texts from last night from this Homecoming:

(947): u know ur roasting her granma rn right
(347): i don't care i will roast all your grandmas

(305): Guys I'm hitchhiking in a dominos car rn

(207): will 10 fluid oz of vodka kill me

(781): Guys yesterday I stepped on a wet squirrel tail and it got stuck in my nike frees

(603): Do alums die when they graduate?

(360): do i have to wait until add drop to add my 4th class?
(207): yep
(360): i have chlamydia

(650): I'm. The a hook up w Q guy 
(650): Wow That was a clearly message of that I'm drunk

(308): Hey old flame, what's cookin?
(650): Sausage pizza

(978): i'm so high i wanna eat my bitmoji

(770): so y'all... someone stole my kettle... but whyyy i don't understand
(609): someone else is spilling tea now

(978): anyone in the house have floss? Lol
(781): use your hair if there is none!

(914): Have 2 pizzas on the way
(914): Will trade for weed

(at 12:28 pm) 
(603): I need to come too but I don't rlly have enough to wear
(413): I am wearing the same clothes as yesterday because I haven't been back to my room yet
(603): WHAT hahaha
(413): I don't want to talk about it

(703): I JUST CONSENSUALLY GLITTERED AN S&S OFFICER

(413): [name redacted] IS ASLEEP ON ME. HOW DO I GET OUT. ITS HOMECOMONG 
(713): Stand. Up. And. Walk. Out. 
(413): I WANT TO GOODSAM MYSELF JUSY TO GET OUT

(203): hey
(203): u should come over
(207): sorry I’m sleeping 
(203): oh bummer text me when you're awake then
(207): ok

(713): why are my floor mates committing floorcest outside my room?!??
(203): I have no plans to hu with anyone on my floor. Mainly because I have the game of a crouton.  
(786): Awww, don’t say that. At the very least you have the game of a whole Caesar salad.

(203): But tbh I would forego snacks just to have an athlete join me in bed rn 
(786): Be careful what you wish for cuz you might get a golfer

(603): I’m an athlete. I do long jump. My specialty is to conclusions.

(413): You’re all sorts of messed up
(786): You say that like it’s news