The Definitive Ranking of PB’s Green Key Concert Options

By Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff | 1/27/16 6:00am

Hello. It’s me, someone completely unqualified to offer my musical opinion, about to weigh in passionately! My tastes are the only ones that matter, because I am the foremost authority and everything that you listen to or that I haven’t heard is swill.

Here are some other things I might do:


  • Berate anyone with musical preferences different from mine

  • Complain that my favorite artist isn’t on the list of options

  • Look up the price range of my favorite artist and post it on Yik Yak

  • Complain about Programming Board

  • Imply that I would join Programming Board and straighten everything out, if only I had the time

  • Lament the fact that Green Key concerts are “always lame”

  • Suggest that we completely rearrange the budget (which I don’t understand) in order to have a more expensive concert that better caters to me personally

  • Firmly believe that maliciousness and fun-hatred on the behalf of Programming Board is the sole reason we cannot have Adele

  • Compare our spring concert to that of a much larger school

  • Complain about Hanover

  • Try to gloss over the fact that everyone is going to be drunk at this concert and not care, as well as the fact that I once tried to see how many people in the concert crowd I could bite without them noticing


So, without further ado, here is my (read: the only acceptable) ranking of Green Key artist options, based on completely arbitrary criteria slash my personal preferences!


1. The Mowglis


Because they sing a song called "San Francisco" that was my jam while in San Francisco for my off term. Also their name reminds me of The Jungle Book (1967).

2. Elle King


Because it would be fun to have my ex in the crowd while I passionately shout the lyrics to "Exes and Ohs." And she does a dope cover of "My Neck, My Back" that emphasizes just how cringe-worthy the lyrics are.

3. X Ambassadors


Because I like to listen to “Jungle” intensely at the gym. They’re not higher because “Renegades” makes me inexplicably sad, like that time I cried listening to Avicii.

4. BØRNS


Because my sister and I regularly sing "Electric Love" in the car ever since it was on that saucy Hulu commercial. I can’t put them higher because it seems like it’d be a chore to have to keep finding the Ø symbol on my keyboard when talking about it, but you just know you’ll have one friend who insists on it.

5. Matt + Kim


Because I don’t actually know the words to “Daylight” and just make sounds that could be feasible, but I feel like they fit well with my “sellout singles of previously hipster indie rock bands” taste.

6. Cash Cash


I call one of my friends Cash Cash, so this would be funny.

7. Alessia Cara


She's cool, but I feel like it’d be a little too meta to sing about not having fun at a party while actually not having fun at a party.

8. Hoodie Allen


Mostly because he's all "name the time and the place and the function, I’ll give it to you no interruption" and using "function" for "party" always makes me think of ice cream socials or something in 5th Go Hoodie. Get that extra scoop.

9. Rae Sremmurd


I’d never heard of them before I started making this list, but it’s incredibly satisfying to finally know who made the 2015 track “No Flex Zone,” which is also what I call my gym routine (because I have no gym routine).

10. Coleman Hell


Who?

11. Dan + Shay


Who?

12. Raury


Who? But also I listened to a couple of his songs while getting ready the other day and it was both soothing and not something I want to drunkenly bite people to the sounds of.


Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff