Round 1
- Russell Crowe, broken beer bottle (Adam)
Adam: I don't like Russell Crowe. He's cocky, he's not American, and he tore Meg Ryan away from her family, which seems wrong. But he's by far the most talented street fighter in the draft. Give him eight Foster's and a jug of whiskey, and this guy can single-handedly kill an entire team of celebrities.
Fred: Whitey only made this selection because of some stupid skit about Crowe and his tugboat fightin' round the world. Crowe does not actually own a tugboat, and instead of fighting, he tends to just run off with the nearest female. Which means Whitey's number one selection is most likely to succumb to his final pick.
Mark: Before the draft commenced, Adam and I reemphasized the rule that athletes and bodybuilders were ineligible. Right after saying that, Fred queried, "Can I draft Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?" Who knows how he got that 1600 on the SAT?
- Brad Pitt, dagger (Fred)
Fred: Okay, anyone who doesn't think that Brad is tough is like I was before "Fight Club" and "Troy." The evil alter ego and the best warrior in the world? I'll take them on my side in anytime.
Mark: Ever since watching Brad Pitt prance around in a skirt in "Troy," I think Fred has adopted a new outlook on life, so to speak.
Adam: I'm not sure how I feel about Brad Pitt. He seems like a pretty cool guy, but at the same time, I know that he's like the sexiest man alive. So would I not draft him just to avoid the inevitable questions? Yes.
- 50 Cent, pistol (Mark)
Mark: This is a guy from the mean streets of Queens who survived being shot nine times at once, spent time in prison, and is known for his outstanding physique. Brad Pitt, on the other hand, has stylish hair. 50 Cent is easily the top pick of this draft.
Adam: Everyone knows that 50 Cent is called 50 Cent because he's been shot 50 times. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? Does it mean he's invincible or almost dead? Is he durable, like Steve McNair in 2003, or incapacitated, like Steve McNair in 2004? Can I mention one more time that his posse is named after a gorilla penis?
Round 2
- Jackie Chan, chair (Mark)
Mark: Jackie Chan can make a weapon out of most anything, and only out of courtesy for the weaker teams of Adam and Fred did I give him a relatively harmless chair to fight with.
- Suge Knight, shiv (Fred)
Fred: All of the above people (except 50 Cent) play tough roles. Suge is the real deal. So what if he is in jail and the best weapon he can procure at the moment is the sharpened end of a spoon have you ever seen the man?
- Lindsay Lohan, breast flamethrowers (Adam)
Adam: Breast flamethrowers attach to black leather bikinis and are only to be worn with high black leather boots. The flames come out of tiny barrels that are disguised as nipples on a cold day.
Round 3
- Dan Rather, Uzi (Adam)
Adam: I look at Dan Rather these days and I see a man who is about to go postal. He's reeling from forgedocumentgate, pathetic ratings, and the continual strain of his secret behind-the-scenes affair with Connie Chung. All he's missing is the gun and a Republican to shoot at.
- Nicole Richie, pitchfork (Fred)
Fred: I'm not gonna pretend that Nicole could take Russell Crowe or Jackie Chan or any of that. She got drafted to fight Lindsay Lohan, and for no other reason. Lohan may be better looking and have some ridiculous weapon that my girlfriend claims would hurt a lot, but Nicole is just a straight-up bitch. Bitchiness wins out over looks every time.
Mark: Following in the proud tradition of Margaret Sanger, Kofi Annan, the Champions League Final, Amy Acuff, "He Got Game," "Blue Chips," and, of course, Autumn, Fred makes one of his trademark inexplicable selections.
Adam: At no point while I was watching "The Simple Life" did I think to myself, "Hey, Nicole Richie looks really athletic, and if there were a street fighter draft, she would probably go in THE THIRD ROUND."
- David Hasselhoff, rescue tube (Mark)
Mark: My team is becoming unstoppable. I could choose Hall and Oates with my last two picks, and I'd still win this fight with ease.
Fred: Good choice Mark, really. 10 years ago, Hasselhoff was pretty handy with the lifeguarding equipment, but now he is just a washed-up German pop star. His "Dodgeball" team didn't even make it out of the first round, and you want him in a real fight? One that involves more than soft, rubbery balls?
Adam: Is Hasselhoff using his rescue tube as a weapon, or is he the team medic? I like the image of David Hasselhoff with red shorts on running in slow motion to give mouth-to-mouth to an injured 50 Cent. This would either be very good or very bad for the health of team unity, depending on how open-minded 50 Cent is.
Round 4
- Martha Stewart, frying pan (Mark)
Mark: As if Martha wasn't tough enough, I'm sure her current prison sentence has only served to make her more intimidating. She could take out Richie and Lohan with one hand, all while preparing a festive holiday wreath with the other.
- Ewan McGregor, chain (Fred)
Mark: See my comment for pick No. 8.
Adam: Brad Pitt + Ewan McGregor = lots of questions about Fred.
- J. Peterman, machete (Adam)
Adam: Ironically, it was the Peace Corps that gave him his start in this business. Street-fighting the naked natives of Bantu Besh, he wore an urban sombrero on his head. He wielded a machete in his hand.
Mark: A certain young lady and incumbent president of the Official Draft Board Fan Club stopped by around the conclusion of the Official Draft Board Headquarters to offer this observation to Fred about his appearance the previous night: "You were looking pretty homosexual." Not that there's anything with that. Fred's first round pick makes even more sense now.
Round 5
- Paris Hilton, AIDS (Adam)
Adam: By drafting Paris Hilton, I just killed every male opponent plus Martha Stewart. She is probably the biggest whore on the planet, and if her weapon was AIDS, she would be unstoppable, kind of like the monkeys in "Outbreak."
Fred: All right, all right. We all concede that this is the best pick in the draft so far, but it begs so many questions. Who could take her? My first reaction was to draft a gay man in hopes that he would be able to resist the most outspokenly aggressive female on the planet. But I didn't even think that would work (and the only two I could think of under such intense pressure were Elton John and Robin Williams, who are excellent at making you melancholy and uncomfortable respectively, certainly not taking on 50 Cent). My next reaction was to draft Napoleon Dynamite because, well, Paris would never go anywhere near him and because his nunchucks skill is unparalleled. But someone said that they saw him on TV and that he was really normal, so I guess that's out. Which leaves me:
- Uma Thurman, sword (Fred)
Fred: You may think that I picked her only because of "Kill Bill" (the sword was inspired by this, I sadly confess), but her sole reason for being here is that nothing is meaner than someone whose husband has just cheated on her with some 19-year-old model. Meanness versus sexiness? I'll take my chances with Uma.
Adam: We had the following exchange after the Uma Thurman pick.
Me: What weapon?
Fred: A sword.
Me: A samurai sword?
Fred: No. A regular sword.
Why would you turn down a samurai sword? It doesn't make sense. A samurai sword evokes more vivid imagery, and it's funnier.
- Keith Richards, guitar (Mark)
Fred: Mark claims Keith is invincible; I think he is near death. The choice is yours.
Mark: I've seen rock's greatest rhythm guitarist in person, and if had not been moving, I would not have been able to conclusively discern if he were alive or dead. But I'm not counting on his fighting skills; rather, I chose him for the fact that it has been scientifically proven that he will never die. This is a guy who was rumored to have had his blood entirely drained sometime during the 1970's in order to flush out the enormous supply of various narcotics and chemicals. So it's a guarantee he'll be among the last standing in any street fight.
The writers of The Draft Board solicited the opinions of our beautiful and talented female correspondents on their top choice for a celebrity street fighter and that person's weapon.
Dana LaMendola: Courtney Love with nunchucks, because I like the word nunchucks.
Kerry Snow: Well when I heard street fight, I thought of choosing 90210 resident Shannen Doherty, who has a record of being quite catty with elderly Aaron Spelling and anorexically-challenged Paris Hilton. However, my ultimate draft choice is Barbie. It's common knowledge that the prettier a girl is, the dirtier she fights. But that could just be my personal motto. Barbie would use her long, blond ponytail to whiplash our opponents, and I would use her handbags as nunchucks. Anyone who thinks two females can't kick serious street butt can talk to avid feminists Ann Scott and Evie Stevens.
Polly Spot: After reading the words "street fight" and "weapon" in this question, I immediately thought of Jesse Klempner. And I was hoping the question would ask me who I would most like to meet in a street fight (that being Jesse). Even after reading the whole question, I thought that it would not be satisfactory for me to watch an enlisted celebrity get all the fun out of beating up someone who might remotely look like Jesse or even do any of the annoying things that Jesse does. Those being: smiling, acing exams, acing standardized tests, easily getting into a class this term that I had to beg to get into... enough said.
So in conclusion, I would enlist myself to fight, knowing that at least one of my opponents would make me think of Jesse in some way, and I would easily cut them down. Now you may be thinking "Polly isn't a celebrity." And you're absolutely wrong. But to smooth things out, I will gladly dress up as a celebrity and brandish a weapon. Not that I've done this before or anything. That celebrity would be Legolas, and the weapon would be a bowstaff. Because I have those skills.
